Let's Make You Some Money


Today's big money idea is the logical continuation of last week's tip about getting in on the car-fucking trend early. Felix Dennis is a "businessman" who used to publish Maxim, so when it comes to monetizing masturbation, he knows what he's talking about. In a new interview with BusinessWeek, FD reveals to reporter Jon Fine that the next place you will want to put your money (and D) is in the business of robot sex.

He doesn't get into a specific plan of action, but since many of you have been on one side or the other of this equation, either as the robot ("To initiate groping press one," "to do something you swore you'd never do, press two," "must state up front that all other buttons, including button one, will default to option two," "failure to quickly select an option (two) will result in my automatic choosing of option two," "I am programmed to only receive and not give pleasure," "Ejaculation sequence to commence in t minus 20 seconds...ten seconds...FIVE SEC--ONE SECOND!") or the guy having sex with an inanimate object, we thought you might be able to put some ideas together.

FD: And then I think robotic sex is going to be an enormous business. So big it's going to be impossible to compute. The idea you can have whatever you want and [expletive] whenever you want is just so important for men and women, there's no point in pretending.
BW: [slightly astonished at this conversational turn] I am thinking it's more important for men.
FD: No! I completely disagree. I totally disagree. I think for women as well.
BW: [still slightly astonished] How far away is this?
FD: Not very far. It is going to be fantastic. I just hope I am going to be able to get my hands on it before I pop my clutch. Just want to get a few down. I'm just saying that it's going to be happening. It is such a fantastic business. It is so obvious and screaming. There is none of the messing around with the opposite sex and feeling like a completely guilty [expletive]. All of that, gone! 'Can I have a [very specific characterization] please?' 'Yes.'
BW: It's important to me that you don't edit yourself--
FD: 'Can I have a [even more graphic characterization]?' 'Certainly! We've got plenty of those. We deliver them all the time.'

The Felix Dennis Tapes, Part 2: "Robotic Sex" To Be "So Big, It's Impossible To Compute." [BusinessWeek]


Who Does Bill Ackman Have To Screw To Make Some Money Around Here?

God damn you, 2016! You were supposed to be the anti-2015!