Skip to main content

Credit Suisse Wants You To Hire Employees It Doesn't Want Anymore

  • Author:
  • Updated:

It's about quarter to ten at night. Sully and I, we're sitting behind the closed down Shell station on Sixth Avenue where it meets McDougal. This is a good place to pass a beer back and forth because no one every looks toward the ugly old station. Not the cops. Not your parents, or their friends. Not the various fiends that prowl the streets. It's an eyesore. It's nicer to look up the avenue or down it, at the World Trade Center.
"So I was thinking that maybe you should go out with Alicia," Sully says. He takes a slug from the bottle of Old English.
"Isn't she your girlfriend?" I ask.
He shakes his head. He's looking down Sixth Avenue himself. "She was. I dumped her."
"Why would I date her, then? That's kind of weird, your wanting me to date your ex."
"I feel bad. She was a perfectly good girl. She didn't deserve to be dumped like that. It's just that I got other things going on now. I thought maybe if you went out with her she wouldn't feel so bad," he said, still looking downtown and not at me.
I took a double-size swig from the Old English bottle. "Like I said, man: That just weird."

Credit Suisse Memo to Clients: Hire Our Ex-Employees


Layoffs Watch '15: Credit Suisse Wants You! (To Help It Cut Costs By 3.5 Billion Francs)

This is not so much a request as a requirement you're unlikely to get around, unless anyone is considering chaining themselves to their desks.

Layoffs Watch '16: Credit Suisse Planning To Give A Bunch Of Employees The 'It's Not You It's Me' Speech

You're a great banker, but I'm just not in a place where I'm emotionally ready for your pitchbooks.


Maybe Janet Yellen Doesn’t Want To Be Fed Chair Anymore

She's not as low-rate as President Trump thought.