Sam Israel Surrenders

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CNBC reports that Sam Israel III, the convicted former hedge fund manager who no one believed committed suicide after he failed to show up to start serving a 20-year sentence for defrauding clients of a bunch o' money, has been taken into custody in Southwick, Massachusetts. The industry's biggest M*A*S*H fan apparently surrendered himself to authorities at 9:30 this morning. Finally, we're going to find out if the unknown tattoo on the Bayou Group founder's hip is a. two egrets having sex b. two egrets having a type of sex that is illegal in 38 states or c. a depiction of interspecies sex between a human and a bird (participants: Sam Israel and egret). While we wait for more info to come out, someone riddle me this: do conjugal visits have to be between one human and another or are the rules flex enough to include feathered friends? Interested parties would like to know.

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Claim: Sam Israel's Investors Gave Him Money Because They Liked Animal-Loving Cokeheads Who Looked Good In Women's Underwear And Cowboy Boots

Investors gave Bernie Madoff money because they trusted him. They gave Sam Israel money because they liked him—a gregarious, disarming goofball who, as a Wall Street apprentice, had invented an alter ego he called Captain Proton, a fearless superhero whose special powers were granted by vodka and cocaine. Now in his forties, he lived in a Westchester mansion, rented from Donald Trump for $22,000 a month, with an adjacent chapel in which he had built a replica of the Bayou trading floor alongside an 800-­gallon saltwater fish tank and a menagerie of rare reptiles. He’d also installed a high-end studio for jam sessions, where he’d play with the Allman Brothers’ drummer when the band was in town. He owned a fleet of Porsches and signed personal checks printed with the image of SpongeBob SquarePants...Once he’d welcomed his family home from a short trip standing in the driveway wearing cowboy boots, his wife’s bikini underwear, a lacrosse helmet, swim goggles, a life jacket, and a cape, then started screaming at his wife when she didn’t get the joke. [NYM, related]