Damn It Feels Good To Be A Banker

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While all the serious financial journalists are scampering around town hoping to score a copy of The Bear Trap, we've got a far bigger story here. Leveraged Sell-Out has written a book! "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Banker" won't be released until August 5, 2008. But we obtained an advanced copy, which we're going to excerpt for you here. (You can order a copy here.)
DIFGTBAB thematically walks through Wall Street culture. With chapters like "No. We do not have any `hot stock tips' for you," "Mergers are a girl's best friend," and "Georgetown? I wouldn't let my maids' kids go there," the book captures the true essence of being in high finance. The book features various, vivid illustrations of Bankers in their natural state (ballin'), and numerous, insightful comments from actual readers of the website LeveragedSellOut.com.
After the jump, we present an exclusive excerpt wherein LSO explains why you're not right for investment banking.

Fact #6 - You're just not the right fit for us.

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE try to land jobs in Banking every year, hoping to get their paws on the immeasurable rewards that the business offers. As such, financial institutions must implement extremely rigorous recruitment processes to ensure that the brightest minds are lured in and the garbage is kept out of sniffing distance.

I went back to school for on-campus recruiting this year. It was hard to imagine that I could feel any cooler than when I was a student, but as an alumnus working at a Bulge-Bracket Bank, I did.

I felt a rush as soon as I stepped into our auditorium and saw hundreds of students buzzing around, trying eagerly to grab the attention of anyone in finance. They ran around like chickens with their heads cut off, regurgitating the same slew of questions to anyone who would listen. I took my post behind our table and spoke with an enthusiastic but aloof candor.

"What's the work/life balance like in Banking?" I'd be asked.

Immediately and sternly I would respond: "The consulting firms are in the back."

"How does your Bank compare to the others?"

"We're better. Here, take a water bottle." And, laden with paraphernalia and pamphlets, the young sycophants would either scurry along or loiter by our table hoping we might let some insider information slip.

Girls came by the booth, and they were starry-eyed. I suspect many weren't even interested in finance but just hoping to bathe for a second in our presence. They received both a water bottle and my business card, just in case they "had any questions."

The Lure

I had to be courteous to everyone, regardless of qualifications, but I didn't particularly feel bad about instilling false hopes; that's what we do. We entice students from all backgrounds to apply so we have the lowest acceptance rates, even if that means my spending five minutes humoring some dumb Spanish major who doesn't have a chance in hell.

Someone in East Asian Studies came by the table for information and, unsolicited, started to describe how learning Chinese was extremely "analytical" and applicable to finance. I tried to see the connection for a minute, and then I just started picturing this guy with a half-bald head and ponytail doing a discounted cash flow analysis with a huge paintbrush, ink, and a scroll out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

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