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Akingmay Ethay (Assway Ackwardbay) Ystemsay Orkway Orfay Ouyay

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You know, if I were the CEO of a company-- we'll call it Eneralgay Electricway-- and I knew I was going to have to announce that we'd blown earnings for the last quarter, I think that I'd try to break the news under the sort of conditions that would hurt us the least such as, and this is just a for instance, one in which my shares could not plummet. One way to do that would be to only tell one or two people about the "disappointing" results, and make them promise not to tell anyone but you know how people love to talk and it'd get out and once it did the evil shorts would be all over mine and "Eneralgay Electricway's" ass.
So even better would be to try and get on this special list of companies who no one is allowed to touch, no matter how badly they fuck shit up. Like, plastering sticky fifties on barnyard animals in the c-suite bad. I realize that this list is supposed to be taken seriously, and I wasn't one of the original lucky ones. But based on the insider information I have that it's not, and that the people in charge of letting companies in are pusses, and will let anyone in, I make a call. To my fellow inept CEOs-- got something not so good to share today, tomorrow, early next week? Fill these forms first, then let 'er rip.