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The recent move by the Securities and Exchange Commission to temporarily ban short selling has left a lot of people very angry, extremely confused, and demanding a logical explanation for why this fakakta plan went through. We were as shocked as you to hear it actually went down, especially after we'd sent a note to Charles Christopher Cox advising him to dick slap Lloyd Blankfein and John Mack back to the corner with their dunce caps on, when they went crying to the SEC chairman because the market had served them one measly down day. At first we thought it was merely a misreading on C-Cubed's part, seeing the word "suck" where we'd written "slap." Now we know it was no mistake at all.
And it's not that Cox and Co. are pussies easily bent to the will of the almighty Goldman Sachs. It's that they're suckers for the those four little words: "but it's my birthday." Yes, people, the reason for this Long-Only-Suction is that today is Lloyd Blankfein's 54th b'day. And knowing that Cox couldn't say no to a birthday wish, LB laid it on thick. "I never thought I'd be a mid-life crisis guy but I'm just really, super depressed about this one." "I look at the first years and I'd give anything to trade places with those little shits." "What's the point of buying a convertible with no hair to billow in the wind?" He pulled out all the stops. The others were added to give the impression of not playing favorites. We were not fooled. And as a Well-Played, LB, Well-Played, indeed birthday gift, we'll be sending something over to 85 Broad today. But our usual panty-gram or Geoffrey Raymond original doesn't seem right for the occasion. If you can think of anything better, let us know.


The McRib is Not the Answer

I don't know what exactly it is a metric of—the economic crisis? healthier eating habits? better taste? the inexplicable success of that extremely annoying actress playing Wendy in the commercials? the cannibalization of its flagship product by the McRib?—but a McDonald's milestone has been delayed.