Live-Blogging the JPMorgan Mutual Conference Call

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9:05:11 PM: I'm here, let's make this thing quick.
9:06: 27 PM: EP has joined me (and is pasting me the log, which you might notice is an hour behind, as she is in Central time).
8:10:16 PM equityprivate: That was the worst hold music ever. As soon as it got good for a second with that little-pseudo techno thing, the nasally operator cut in.
8:11:48 PM ohbabyitsbess: i bet it the wamu people are dj'ing
8:11:59 PM equityprivate: That would make sense.
8:13:06 PM equityprivate: Actually I'm pretty sure I heard this in their ATM vestibule today.
8:16:05 PM equityprivate: They certainly weren't pouring mortgage fee money into adjusting the volume on this stuff to keep it from clipping.
8:16:33 PM ohbabyitsbess: it's 9:16
8:16:36 PM ohbabyitsbess: where the fuck are they
8:17:18 PM ohbabyitsbess: also, i got banished to my bedroom to listen to this because apparently some people aren't don't want to hear this
8:17:48 PM equityprivate: They get annoyed when you take work home? How do you live?
8:17:51 PM equityprivate: Ok, the operator needs to take a diction course.
It's been 15 seconds and already it is a train wreck.
8:19:13 PM equityprivate: Jamie! Yay!
8:19:17 PM ohbabyitsbess: i love this man
8:19:24 PM ohbabyitsbess: yeah you should thank us for coming at 9:15, bitch
8:19:31 PM ohbabyitsbess: "if you're from wash mu"
8:19:32 PM ohbabyitsbess: haha
8:19:47 PM equityprivate: "Some WaMu employees may be listening."
8:20:07 PM equityprivate: I want a repeat of the JPM/BSC call. "I'm a shareholder and I am NOT voting for this merger!"
8:21:40 PM ohbabyitsbess: is jimmy cayne a shareholder?
8:21:42 PM equityprivate: I like how they announce both that they are spending a bunch of cash and, oh by the way, here comes $8 billion in dilution too.
8:21:47 PM ohbabyitsbess: i'd like to hear him stand up
8:22:37 PM equityprivate: They are leaving behind $20 billion in liabilities. Of course. And they are playing to the FDIC. WaMu must have been literally on the brink.
8:22:42 PM ohbabyitsbess: "we looove the branch banking business"
8:22:53 PM ohbabyitsbess: he's taking damone's advice too
8:23:01 PM ohbabyitsbess: wherever you are, act like that's the place to be
8:23:13 PM ohbabyitsbess: i wonder if he ordered for his date tonight
8:23:20 PM equityprivate: Ah yes! Damone!
8:23:26 PM equityprivate: Always a classy move.
8:24:05 PM equityprivate: Are they leaving behind the hold/ATM vestibule music liabilities?

8:26:33 PM equityprivate: Yummy deposits! Now with 89% less liabilities!
8:27:14 PM ohbabyitsbess: charlie doesn't sound confident talking about this
8:27:18 PM ohbabyitsbess: or is it me
8:27:37 PM equityprivate: Only closing 10% of the combined branches? I would have expected more rationalization. I guess JPM/Chase really must have been weak in the WaMu states.
8:27:42 PM equityprivate: It's not you.
8:29:16 PM ohbabyitsbess: they've got a terrific little multi-family lending unit
8:29:21 PM ohbabyitsbess: wtf
8:29:29 PM equityprivate: can they Please please please spice this up with an obnoxious few questions. Please?
8:30:00 PM equityprivate: Exit all non-bank branch retail lending. That figures.
8:30:05 PM ohbabyitsbess: I hope The Analysts bring their ass-ripping game...and i hope the adorable woodland creature that is bove didn't deem this past his bedtime.
8:30:11 PM equityprivate: "originating to our current standards" HAH. Slap.
$1.5 billion in cost savings. Totally offset by their merger costs. Hah!
8:32:02 PM equityprivate: Totally offset by their merger costs. Hah!
8:32:40 PM equityprivate: $176 billion in home loans will be coming in the door.
8:33:06 PM ohbabyitsbess: his voice is cracking
8:33:11 PM ohbabyitsbess: i smell fear
8:33:13 PM equityprivate: Its been a long day.
8:33:30 PM equityprivate: And Jamie is looming over him. Reading over his shoulder like a Persian emperor.
8:33:39 PM ohbabyitsbess: greek god
8:34:11 PM ohbabyitsbess: i would like someone to ask about them throwing a hissy fit over citadel hiring their employees
8:34:14 PM ohbabyitsbess: it'd be out of left field
8:34:21 PM equityprivate: $176 billion - $29 billion in markdowns. Blah blah blah. This deck is really annoying.
8:34:28 PM equityprivate: HAH! Let me see if I can ask that.
8:35:24 PM ohbabyitsbess: "we crunched numbers"
8:35:27 PM ohbabyitsbess: "we looked at data"
8:35:35 PM ohbabyitsbess: "we went through papers"
8:35:47 PM ohbabyitsbess: "how wrong can we be"
8:35:52 PM equityprivate: Well, these estimates on markdowns are the product of a lot of work and not 12-24 hours, wonder how long they have been talking to WaMu, and how fast did the price deteriorate when the FDIC started breathing down WaMu's neck?
8:35:54 PM ohbabyitsbess: he should not have opened the floor for that
8:35:59 PM ohbabyitsbess: "it could be worse" hah!
8:36:02 PM equityprivate: "It could be worse." Hah!
8:36:10 PM ohbabyitsbess: jinx
8:36:11 PM ohbabyitsbess: you owe me a coke
8:36:20 PM equityprivate: Deal.
8:37:54 PM equityprivate: He sounds like... I don't even know how to describe it.
8:38:31 PM equityprivate: A really stoned...
8:39:25 PM equityprivate: ...Welcome Back Carter character.
8:39:25 PM ohbabyitsbess: ya
8:39:50 PM equityprivate: Do you think the WaMu people like to hear it called "Wah-Moo" ?
8:40:59 PM ohbabyitsbess: i like that they're stressing that it's all to a margin of error
8:41:11 PM ohbabyitsbess: "just so you know"
8:41:16 PM ohbabyitsbess: "this can- and probs will-- blow up in our faces"
8:41:22 PM ohbabyitsbess: "just wanted to cover our asses on that one"
8:41:29 PM ohbabyitsbess: "you heard it here first people"
8:41:51 PM equityprivate: I hate to broach the possibility that their worse-case recession case sounds pretty mild to me.
8:42:20 PM ohbabyitsbess: oh, they "expect to make some money"
8:42:21 PM ohbabyitsbess: that's good
8:42:30 PM equityprivate: Just in investing banking, though.
8:44:30 PM equityprivate: Questions!
8:44:32 PM ohbabyitsbess: oooo questions
8:44:32 PM equityprivate: Hurrah!
8:44:37 PM equityprivate: I'm asking... I'm asking.
8:44:44 PM ohbabyitsbess: me too
8:45:11 PM ohbabyitsbess: who the f is john mac(mc?)donald?
8:45:28 PM equityprivate: I have no idea. He didn't say where he was from. Maybe a "I'm not voting for this!"
8:45:39 PM ohbabyitsbess: and dimon shoots him down!
8:46:05 PM equityprivate: I love how Dimon uses first names like he knows John. Maybe he does.
8:46:07 PM ohbabyitsbess: dimon's getting so testy laready
8:46:27 PM equityprivate: Well, he is overdue at the Four Seasons Mr. Huxtable is waiting. Ok, I'm tired of John, and that's more than one question and one follow-up.
Move along people, move along.
8:47:56 PM equityprivate: My *1 wouldn't work.
8:48:36 PM equityprivate: The branches are not to chase standard and missing vaults and the like.
8:48:37 PM equityprivate: HAH!
8:48:39 PM equityprivate: I love it.
8:49:11 PM ohbabyitsbess: the demographic fit
8:49:18 PM ohbabyitsbess: is the the pc way of saying it?
8:49:23 PM equityprivate: That's a delicate way to ask an indelicate question.
8:49:33 PM equityprivate: Wonder what the demographic on the call is.
8:49:44 PM ohbabyitsbess: "the mass banking biz is the mass banking biz"
8:49:52 PM ohbabyitsbess: it's a cattle call
8:50:12 PM ohbabyitsbess: they dont want to get in the specs
8:50:14 PM ohbabyitsbess: of due diligence
8:50:15 PM equityprivate: "We had a lot of time..." in the datarooms. Wow!
8:50:18 PM ohbabyitsbess: we did it ok?
8:50:20 PM equityprivate: They've been at this awhile.
8:50:22 PM ohbabyitsbess: isn't that enough?
8:50:31 PM ohbabyitsbess: we used our full resources
8:50:32 PM ohbabyitsbess: haha
8:50:36 PM ohbabyitsbess: we put many, many employees on this
8:50:43 PM ohbabyitsbess: "tell me, was it weeks vs. days?"
8:50:46 PM ohbabyitsbess: who is this guy
8:50:51 PM equityprivate: "One of the most thorough things we've ever done"
8:50:51 PM ohbabyitsbess: oh god
8:50:53 PM ohbabyitsbess: mike m.
8:50:55 PM ohbabyitsbess: never say that name
8:50:56 PM equityprivate: Mike MAYO? Oh please no.
8:51:14 PM equityprivate: Wow. So they have kept this really secret for quite awhile... and since the FDIC was so involved, and ran the process almost, WaMu was basically failed weeks ago, I'm getting.
8:52:05 PM equityprivate: Wow. So they have kept this really secret for quite awhile... and since the FDIC was so involved, and ran the process almost, WaMu was basically failed weeks ago, I'm getting.
8:53:28 PM equityprivate: "Deposit runoff." I like that. Not sure I've heard that before.
8:54:29 PM ohbabyitsbess: they're so fucking defensive
8:54:56 PM ohbabyitsbess: wouldnt it be awesome if they backed out of it
8:54:57 PM ohbabyitsbess: on the call
8:54:58 PM equityprivate: Aggressively defensive. But that makes sense. The market has totally tanked in the last few days of their diligence.
8:55:17 PM equityprivate: I bet they almost didn't want to pull the trigger after the hearings.
8:56:21 PM ohbabyitsbess: who is this woman
8:56:25 PM ohbabyitsbess: "betsy?"
8:56:52 PM ohbabyitsbess: "problem children in our numbers"
8:57:07 PM ohbabyitsbess: "we've got some redheaded step children in the mix"
8:57:11 PM equityprivate: That's me.
8:57:30 PM equityprivate: Just kidding.
8:57:59 PM equityprivate: 28 day receivables on the cards... half they are going to let "run off" - again with the runoff. It's like a washed out road.
8:58:12 PM equityprivate: Fold it into Chase Card. Yeah, that figures.
8:58:34 PM ohbabyitsbess: nasally-sounding jeff
8:59:26 PM ohbabyitsbess: this is really lame
8:59:30 PM ohbabyitsbess: i want some outrage
8:59:36 PM equityprivate: I think he's the JPM guy.
8:59:43 PM equityprivate: It's like a FEMA press conference.
9:00:19 PM equityprivate: "This transaction develops $12 billion in cash over the next three years after tax."
9:00:37 PM ohbabyitsbess: "potential for downside"
9:00:44 PM ohbabyitsbess: keep driving that point
9:00:48 PM ohbabyitsbess: "we dont know and we dont care"
9:00:50 PM ohbabyitsbess: whoah james
9:00:58 PM ohbabyitsbess: how is this over?
9:01:02 PM ohbabyitsbess: that was it?
9:01:02 PM equityprivate: I love that they both don't know and don't care what the other bids were.
9:01:03 PM ohbabyitsbess: fuck this shit
9:01:11 PM equityprivate: That's why they did it at 9+pm!
9:01:17 PM equityprivate: NIGHT EVERYONE! Bah, that did suck.
9:01:33 PM equityprivate: Like a middle school hockey game. No blood.
9:02:04 PM ohbabyitsbess: and not even dick fuld fist fighting another parent
9:02:07 PM ohbabyitsbess: bs
9:02:37 PM equityprivate: HAhaha