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'Vanity Fair' Can't Keep Its Middle-Aged Jews Named Steve Cohen Straight

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Earlier this morning an absolutely flummoxed Dealbreaker wondered aloud how SAC Capital founder Steve Cohen could have possibly been placed in the completely demeaning slot of 99 (out of 100) on Vanity Fair's annual ranking of the most 'Influential' people in the world. It seems we've discovered the answer: Vanity Fair has no idea who Steve Cohen is. And I don't mean on a philosophical, 'nobody gets him like we do' level but on a molecular, who the fuck is that guy level.

Contrary to what's recently-in-the-news section under each of this year's influencers would have you believe, our Steve Cohen, the Steve Cohen they denigrated first by putting him at second to last on their list and second by displaying an apparent ignorance as to just who they were defecating all over, is not: Steve Cohen, attorney involved in a 1996 murder trial in which his client was found guilty of killing an acquaintance, which may be reopened if a judge agrees that (fake) Steve Cohen did an ineffective job at the time. He's also not: Steve Cohen, political scholar who described McCain's process of choosing a VP to be like "a student cramming at the last minute for an exam." Nor is he: Steve Cohen, the U.S. Representative in Tennessee who is pushing hard for Memphis to rename its airport after the dearly departed Isaac Hayes, though we're sure the real SC would support such a worthy cause.
Look, we're the first to admit that sometimes it's tough to know who you're talking about when you're talkin' SC, what with the thousands of doppleganger 'Steve-alikes' running around town. But if you're going to start deciding who's most influential and who's least influential, you'd better get your Steve Cohen's straight, and not allow the Steve Cohen's ranking to be compromised undesirables. Lesser SC's who just happen to share the same name and Every Jew look but do not possess the singular magnetism of the SC, that makes one want to be bounced on his knee atop the Zamboni, and forget about the shemales employed on his watch. That Steve Cohen is, and always will be, Number One.
UPDATE: It appears VF has become wise to the error of its ways and replaced the offending links with ones that now refer to the one and only. Still haven't bumped the big guy up a few slots but it'll happen. Just wait.
The New Establishment: Steve Cohen [Vanity Fair]



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