DealBreaker Before Dawn: 80 Million Mouths To Feed

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80 million options are set to expire today. For the uninitiated, that's a lot. (What asshole planed that schedule? Didn't they know there would be an election on?)
Yes, we've already been reminded by the likes of financial journalists, that this equity free fall already exceeds the pain felt during [insert worst crash EV-ahh here], that volatility comes on like a hemorrhagic fever and slaps you around before laying you up so you can slowly bleed to death out of every orifice simultaneously. (Yes, exactly like your freshman year high school math class).
And yes, Europe is all giddy because U.S. markets rallied nicely and Google made its numbers. That's what we are reduced to. A foreign index rally on Google earnings. I find it hard to imagine a more fragile run up. Then again, there were a number of rallies over the last 60 days on the news that such-and-such investment bank was raising $XX billion in common (again) that boggled the mind. But that's another story for another day. U.S. futures are having none of it, and have pulled yesterday's close down quite a bit already.
So it looks like we are in for a wild day. An intensely volatile and wild day. The kind of day where you might find yourself fucked before you even realize your clothes were missing. So, a few pieces of advice to cope with the surprise penetration you thought you were braced for. (It's always worse than you think at first). Some of you may have heard some of this already:
1. Don't double down on a losing position. Seriously, people. That's how you dislocate hips. If you were a gymnast you wouldn't have this kind of market exposure.
2. Manage your risk carefully. Yes, condoms are a good idea. Spermicidal condoms, however, are a much better idea.
3. Don't follow the crowd. There's nothing worse than sudden, unexpected group sex when you aren't properly prepared.
4. Buy the rumor. Sell the news. (We're the best source for rumors (which turn out to be true most of the time, I might add), and the Wall Street Journal just isn't the same paper since... well, you know).
5. Never, never, leave your wingman (wingwoman).
There you go. If anyone is ready to be violated by the volitile markets today, it is now you.

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