He Was Fine Until This Afternoon, Officer

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Ok, that was just brutal. Sure the market looked like it it was just going to loiter around outside the 7-11, stinking up the air just outside the store begging investors for a few quarters, but then, out of nowhere, after hours without a complaint (except from that one asshole guy from New Jersey who is always in a bad mood) it teetered back and forth a few times, and crashed into the glass double doors, scattered glass shards everywhere before staggering into that flimsy Hostess display, knocking it into the candy aisle and starting a cascade of skittles and peanut M&M showers. For a brief second, it looked like it might regain its balance, but over-corrected, teetered the other way and, before groaning loudly, collapsed onto the cold and flu remedy shelves and into a Nyquil soaked heap just before pissing itself. Now, owing to the olfactory blend of chocolate, Nyquil, sour sweat and urine, the store is totally uninhabitable.
Who the hell is going to clean that up anyway? (Paulson, mop crew to aisle three).
After opening in the high 900s, the S&P 500 index floated around down between 2% and 3% before 1:00 pm or so, after the Beard was done taking questions and in the face of the god-awful Beige-Book numbers, when, excepting a brief blip, it just tanked into a -8% close. That takes care of the early week rally. Basically gone.
Wow. I hope you were short S&P 500 futures.


Who Didn't Realize Sending Packages Containing Fake Grenades Was Something This Office Frowned Upon?

As you may have heard, earlier today, people working in 2 World Financial Center were evacuated from the building after a suspicious package was flagged by security. Initial reports claimed it contained a grenade; obviously this was cause for alarm and would have continued to be had the NYPD determined it to be an actual grenade and not a "grenade-like novelty item," mounted on a plaque with a sign that says "Complaint Dept. Pull Pin." Now that it's clear everyone is safe (and at least mildly buzzed), a few questions need answering. 1. Who sent this thing? Was it: a) A person whose sense of humor involves putting something like the above (or a sign that reads "I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day...and tomorrow don't look good either") on her desk. b) An idiot friend of someone who works in the building. c) An rival bank trying to disrupt Nomura trading d) other 2. Assuming the item was purchased by someone working in the building, when do you think it dawned on him or her that they were responsible for having the building evacuated? 3. What will the consequences for the sender be, legal and professional? Senior Jailhouse Correspondent Matt puts the probability of prison time at 1.37 percent.