How To Think About The Inevitable Implosion Of Your Hedge Fund

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As you likely know, over the next several months (days, hours) we're going to witness the failure of a lot of hedge funds. A whole lot. Many of the managers slash traders slash P&L analysts who read Dealbreaker have never experienced such catastrophic humiliation (though obviously that statement is not without exception) and don't know how they should carry themselves following the implosion of their firms. Because we care, as often as we can, we'll be offering little tips that might spare you any further embarrassment or ridicule.


First up today is the matter of public appearances, formal or informal, where you might have the opportunity to get fantastically loaded, stand up on a table, and tell everyone why the markets were wrong and you were right. I'm totally with you on this one, 'cause you obviously were right and history will vindicate you but here's the thing, gang--people, especially people whose money you lost, probably aren't ready to face facts. Short of you stripping naked, giving everyone a BB gun and saying have at it, they don't want to hear from you. They don't just want a proverbial ball gag in your mouth. They want an actual ball gag in your mouth. Unfortunately, out of work hedge fund manger John Devaney wasn't aware of this rule, which would explain his speech at a Miami conference that quickly devolved into a rant about how he knew exactly what he was doing, and the only reason he was forced to close up shop without returning jack to his investors was because the markets were behind the curve fools. This would've been acceptable had Devaney owned it but according to the Post, he wilted after two heckles and allowed himself to be boo'ed off the stage.
I'm only going to say this once--if you're going to pull this kind of shit, you've got to know there are going to be fuck sticks in the audience, or in the car next to you at the traffic light, or in your bedroom who are ready to fire off a "blow me, Cohen" no matter what you say, let alone if you start in with a self-serving rant. You've got to be prepared for that. You've got to gird your loins and you've got to be like Peter North out there. You blew their money--now do your colleagues proud and blow it in their eye. Take no prisoners, and neither ye shall a prisoner (of your own ineptitude, and subsequent failure to own up to your ineptitude) be.
Devaney Booed Off Stage [NYP]

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