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If They Won't Come To US, We'll Come To Them

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A lot of people want Wall Street's current and former inept CEOs, i.e. the supposed architects of this here crisis, to own up to their mistakes, whatever they may be (A: not taking on enough risk). But few if any of them will come out of their figurative bunkers and literal hermetically sealed condoms to do so, so guess what? We've got to ambush those mother fuckers. Obviously, the man to lead us in this venture is Bill O'Reilly. CityFile reports that Papa Bear sicced a pack on former Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal last night as he was leaving his apartment and trailed him for a few blocks, demanding to know if he felt any guilt over collecting $161 million. Say what you will about Loofah Boy, but I appreciate his pioneering effort, which has given me the courage to say 'to hell with possible stalking and aggravated assault charges, I'm going after these bitches, too.' Because I'm a one-dimensional thinker the plan of attack is to start with the old [something] on a stick trick. Obviously for Cayne this'll be a bag of chips, but I can't figure out what to use for Fuld, so if you've got ideas, I'm all ears. Ang. Moz. will be a voucher for a lifetime supply of tanning bed bulbs, which he blows through like nobody's business. Also soliciting submissions for Greenspan.
Earlier: "It's You, You Big Fat Toad, YOU!"


Bill Ackman Is Saying This Because He Cares: Just Because They Make Pants With 52-Inch Waists Doesn't Mean You Need To Aspire To Wear Them

As has been discussed at length in the past, should hedge fund manager Bill Ackman ever decide to take up a new line of work, he would no doubt have a bright future hosting a guerrilla-style makeover show wherein he and a sidekick drive around in a van looking for people who could benefit from his discerning eye and then ambush them on the street and weigh in on what's wrong with their [choose all that apply: bangs/clothes/arms/ass/life in general].a Although not classically trained, the Pershing Square founder has years of experience, dating all the way back to his days as a Harvard Business School student, when fellow classmates were asked if streetwalker was the look they were going for.