Nursing The Hedge Fund Managers Back To Health

Author:
Updated:
Original:

As you likely know, many a hedge fund, even the big ones, have been taking a kabob stick to their collective urethra of late. Down thirty percent is the new flat for the month, and so on and so forth. We've passed on the sac-rippingly bad results of several Tiger Cubs over the last few days, and the Post reports this morning that a few other of Julian Robertson's children are having less than stellar days/weeks/months.
Lee Ainslie's Maverick dropped almost 19 percent in September, and his Maverick Leveraged fund fell 35.5 percent. Tiger Global, which returned 71 percent in 2007, dropped 14 percent last month, and Steve Mandel's Lone Pine Capital returned negative 15 percent. Hedge funds are supposed to be that industry where you can blow through 6 billion dollars in a week or so and still bounce back with a sweet consulting gig, but it's gotten so bad that some people don't think they're going to make it, and the down days are taking their toll. Sellers Capital founder Mark Sellers, who returned 65 percent for the first half of the year, but informed investors last month that he was packing it in and retiring from the profession 'cause he just can't take it anymore. Sellers wrote in a letter, "I truly love the art of investing, but managing people's money has taken a large toll on my demeanor and psyche. I feel downright miserable."
And he's not alone! Heretofore happy go lucky L-train is said to have a perma-frown on his face, and the big guy in Stamford, who's still doing remarkably well but whose multi-strategy fund was down 6.5 percent for September has been spotted sitting despondently atop the Zamboni. Because writing about their sadness is getting us sad, we've decided to put a stop to this. We'll be opening up a therapy stand, sort of like a kissing booth, to heal the depressed. We've rented out some space in 375 Park, where we'll hold sessions, during which the dialogue will go something like this.
Us: What's your name?
Patient: Steve Cohen
Us: Okay let's start.
Patient: I'm not feeling so great.
Us: It's not your fault.
Patient: I know, it's the markets.
Us: No, look at me son. It's not your fault.
Patient: I know.
Us: No, no, you don't. It's not your fault.
Patient: I know, traders don't lose money, mod-
Us: It's not your fault.
Patient: Don't fuck with me, Dealbreaker, not you!
Us: It's not your fault
[pushing , tears, hugs, tears]
Patient: [still crying, clutching] I'm sorry
Us: Fuck them, okay?
Basically, it'll look like this:

Related