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The Closing Belle: Just A Touch Of White, Is All

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school's "French Club." Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of "Muffie on Markets" (, a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.
I'm sure that a certain subset of my public understands the occasional difficulties implicit in the "work hard, play hard" lifestyle. You know who you are, my lovelies.
Sometimes you just have to go with the flow a little on Wednesday after work. The blackberry starts buzzing around 6:30 or 7:00, with friends planning and plotting the evening's entertainment. While most of my inner circle aren't prone to childish bickering, they can try the patience with the back and forth over the "perfect environment for after work cocktails" debate. (Personally, I grow tired of 'Netti since that tart Lauren is always there. I really don't know who she thinks she is. Someone cares, I'm certain, that her boyfriend is from California, but I don't know precisely who that someone is).
And you get there, a little tired because you were trying to work a little less hard than usual and avoid that bastard of a Senior Vice President who keeps looking at your boobs and still hasn't figured out that you can totally tell and your sponsor Managing Director is out of town and I am pretty sure that he is seeing someone else and I don't mean his wife and that would totally make him a liar and I just don't have time for liars at this stage in my life, so you probably have that first cosmo a little faster than you mean to and the second one is sort of in your hand before you know it.

And then your not quite best friend forever (NQBFF) has these guys who so-aren't-from-a-prestigious-investment-bank who keep sending her vodka martinis and obviously she can't drink them alone, and after all, what are friends for? That's annoying though because after you drink those they think they somehow have some right to come and actually talk to you and your friends. It is always awkward setting the new money straight and your friends are far too nice so it is always you who has to do it because no one else will tell these socially disaffected "finance professionals" to just go back to Jersey City or wherever.
Somehow, after that things get blurry, and you think maybe you are only getting one half-hour out of every 3, or something. And then, before you know it, it is like, who knows what time the next morning (since you lost your favorite Cartier watch somewhere) you are staring up at the ceiling of a 7-11 from the cold and flu remedy aisle and three people are yelling at you and you were supposed to be at work hours ago.
So you start the day off, frankly, a little rattled. Waking up was good. So that's on the plus side. But by 11:00 or so, when you just bop home for a little bit to change, you are missing certain, well, undergarments. The ramifications are awful, but you are totally sure that you are just being paranoid about it and anyhow your head is pounding like Daddy's down-the-line backhand.
Then you find the used prophylactic wrapper in your pocket. That is 11:12am. That is when you hit bottom. Rock, solid bottom. Down 4.75% on the day bottom, and it's not even noon.
Anyhow, there is nothing to do but go on, so you put your chin up and keep going. And while you're in the cab, right about 12:13 pm, going through your purse to find your ID badge, you find a full baggie. Your NQBFF must have given it to you before she went home with Phoebe and Lawrence and forgotten about it. That slowly sinks in and by 12:23 pm, you are back up to where you started when you woke up, and before you realized how bad it really was. Seriously, finding someone to deliver at that hour on a Thursday would be impossible basically.
But work still looms, and by 1:00pm you are kind of beat again. And you are just looking for an excuse to sneak into that bathroom on the 30th but you are going to have to do a key bump and that's super gross because the key to the Rover has this horrible metallic smell. This is all very depressing and the anticipation really gets to you.
By 1:45 pm you do a little skiing, you know, just a little, and it hits you pretty quickly. And really, work isn't so bad. And last night wasn't so bad. And at least you used protection. And you don't seem to have lost your phone or anything. A little refresh about 2:00 pm, 2:05 pm, 2:10 pm, and 2:20 pm and really, the day is just fine after all. And, as it turns out, that SVP was out last night too, and he hides in his little office all day long. By 4:00 pm, that was a pretty, damn good day. You're up like 3.75%. And, you know what, the Blackberry is going of again, early this time.
And that, my dear public, was the market today.
I know you guys know what I mean. Ta-ta for now!