So, okay. The "Closing Bell" team of Dylan Ratigan and Melissa Lee just cut to Charlie Gasparino who supposedly was going to give us some information on "turmoil" at Merrill Lynch. Those of you watching, though, know that didn't happen. We don't have a clip-- someone, anyone, for the love of No Sleeves and his BoFlex, send it to us now-- but paraphrasing, I shit you not, it went like this:

Ratigan: Charlie, what have you got?
Gasparino: What have I got? That's almost Zen-like.
Ratigan: Yeah...so give us the story.
Gasparino: What have I got? What have I got? What have I got?
Lee: Charlie, just tell us!
Gasparino: What have I got?
Ratigan: Charlie, we've got limited time.
Gasparino: What have I got? What I got is shoot for the capitalism.
Ratigan: 'Shoot for the capitalism'? What?
Gasparino: What have I got?
Ratigan: Okay, not really sure what just happened there.
The most bizarre thing is that while it wouldn't surprise us to see Gaspar get into a tiff with one of his colleagues, he didn't sound angry or like he was juicing, just really stoned the whole time. I'm not saying he was, and in fact, I have no idea what I'm saying. That's how strange the whole thing was. One really crazy theory is that maybe Charlie realized he didn't really have anything new to say about Merrill? But that's completely unlike him. He always has new angles on stories from well-placed sources. Seriously, I have no idea. We're going to try and get in touch with CG now. In the meantime, let us know if you have any idea WTF just happened.