WTF Just Happened To Charlie Gasparino?

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So, okay. The "Closing Bell" team of Dylan Ratigan and Melissa Lee just cut to Charlie Gasparino who supposedly was going to give us some information on "turmoil" at Merrill Lynch. Those of you watching, though, know that didn't happen. We don't have a clip-- someone, anyone, for the love of No Sleeves and his BoFlex, send it to us now-- but paraphrasing, I shit you not, it went like this:


Ratigan: Charlie, what have you got?
Gasparino: What have I got? That's almost Zen-like.
Ratigan: Yeah...so give us the story.
Gasparino: What have I got? What have I got? What have I got?
Lee: Charlie, just tell us!
Gasparino: What have I got?
Ratigan: Charlie, we've got limited time.
Gasparino: What have I got? What I got is shoot for the capitalism.
Ratigan: 'Shoot for the capitalism'? What?
Gasparino: What have I got?
Ratigan: Okay, not really sure what just happened there.
The most bizarre thing is that while it wouldn't surprise us to see Gaspar get into a tiff with one of his colleagues, he didn't sound angry or like he was juicing, just really stoned the whole time. I'm not saying he was, and in fact, I have no idea what I'm saying. That's how strange the whole thing was. One really crazy theory is that maybe Charlie realized he didn't really have anything new to say about Merrill? But that's completely unlike him. He always has new angles on stories from well-placed sources. Seriously, I have no idea. We're going to try and get in touch with CG now. In the meantime, let us know if you have any idea WTF just happened.

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Some people are such founts of generosity that on their birthday, they think not of themselves and what they will receive, but rather of how they can brighten the days of others. Charles Gasparino is one such selfless, gallant human being. On this special day, January 28th, the 50th anniversary of his entrance into the world, Mr. Gasparino has chosen to present us with a priceless gift: the secrets of his success. Print them out, mark them up, use them to advance your own cause, or simply give thanks to the god of journalism for his magnanimous spirit.