Your (Job) Loss Is Bartending School's, Bloomberg Headline Writer's Gain

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Bartending school enrollment is up! Bloomberg, in a fit of glee over finally finding a reason to use the word 'hooters' in a headline, reports that laid off bankers finding it difficult to bounce back with new jobs at the firm down the street are signing up to learn out to mix drinks as a means of alternative employment. According to Bryan Gunderson, previously of JPMorgan, it was sort of a no-brainer to sign up for a course at New York Bartending School, when his severance ran out in August. "It's come to the point where, yes, I need another job," BG told the 'berg. "I always frequent bars, so why not be on the other side?" At NYBS, which has had an 18 percent jump in enrollment, Bryan took a 40-hour, $695 course that culminated in a 6 minute test in which he had to mix 20 drinks, one of which was purple jugs. And Joe (the Barkeep) Bruno, director of the American Bartending School in Manhattan is practically kvelling over his good fortune. "This will be a huge year for us," Bruno said.
Of course, getting into an industry that capitalizes on the vices of others, which are in peak flare-up during these tough times, makes sense. In addition to serving drinks to drunks attempting to ease their pain, we're told that a small group of laid off Merrill workers have started a meth-lab out of a midtown apartment and are making a killing tempting certain egret-loving junkies, and that the same business model is being used by former Pirate Capital staffers who just happen to show up on a secluded Stamford road by the water populated by a once mega-successful lover of sponge-y goodness-cum-cream every day at 2 bearing Twinkies, which have been keeping the demons (Ring Dings) at bay.

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What Percentage Of Harvard Business School's Class Of 1986 Is Lying About How Much Weight They've Gained?

For its 25th reunion last year, the members of Harvard Business School's class of 1986 were asked to fill out an 85 question survey to give their former classmates a picture of where life has taken them since the gang parted ways. In addition to standard queries like "how much money are you making" (median annual net income: $350,000, median personal net worth: $6 million), "did you start a business" (36 percent said yes), "was choosing to attend Harvard Business School the best decision you've ever made" (48 percent responded that it was "one of the best decisions of my life," 1 percent boldly claimed "it was not a particularly productive use of my time or money"), and how many times have you been laid-off and/or fired (4 percent have been "involuntarily dismissed" three times, 13 percent twice, and 47 percent once) the questionnaire writers dug quite a bit deeper to find out that: A quarter of them are wanton little shoe whores. One in four own 25 or more pairs of shoes (58% of the women and 15% of the men). A third of them are actual whores.* A third of the class (33%) admitted to having slept with someone whose last name they didn’t know (37% for men, 17% for women). Ninety-seven percent of them are getting laid on the reg. Just 3% of the alums say they want more sex. The highest priorities? Time (31%), health (18%), and peace of mind (13%). (Poets&Quants, which obtained the results of the survey, interpreted the above as being indication that "sex isn’t a very high priority for the Class of 1986" though couldn't it just as easily be indication that they're getting enough already, figuring asking for 6 times/day instead of 5 would be greedy?) A quarter are on a boat. 25% own a boat. As many as three percent may have wed a mail-order bride. Some 18% dated someone they met online, but only 3% of the class married the person they met on the Internet or by some “other commercial means.” Three percent are that guy. What did the class find to be the most valuable part of getting an MBA from Harvard?...Some 3% said it was “something to drop into cocktail party conversations.” And approximately three-quarters of these people, aged 53-55, are bald-faced liars. Slightly more than one in four alums have gained 11 to 20 pounds since they wore their cap and gown. Some 15% put on 21 to 30 pounds, while 5% tip the scales with weight gains of 31 to 50 pounds. More than a little suspect. Love, Sex & Money: A Revealing Class Portrait of The Lives of Harvard MBAs [Poets And Quants] *We kid the Class of '86. Though hopefully for next year someone will have the balls to actually ask if you knew their name, period, if you could pick them out of a line up, and so on and so forth.