Your (Job) Loss Is Bartending School's, Bloomberg Headline Writer's Gain

Bartending school enrollment is up! Bloomberg, in a fit of glee over finally finding a reason to use the word 'hooters' in a headline, reports that laid off bankers finding it difficult to bounce back with new jobs at the firm down the street are signing up to learn out to mix drinks as a means of alternative employment. According to Bryan Gunderson, previously of JPMorgan, it was sort of a no-brainer to sign up for a course at New York Bartending School, when his severance ran out in August. "It's come to the point where, yes, I need another job," BG told the 'berg. "I always frequent bars, so why not be on the other side?" At NYBS, which has had an 18 percent jump in enrollment, Bryan took a 40-hour, $695 course that culminated in a 6 minute test in which he had to mix 20 drinks, one of which was purple jugs. And Joe (the Barkeep) Bruno, director of the American Bartending School in Manhattan is practically kvelling over his good fortune. "This will be a huge year for us," Bruno said.
Of course, getting into an industry that capitalizes on the vices of others, which are in peak flare-up during these tough times, makes sense. In addition to serving drinks to drunks attempting to ease their pain, we're told that a small group of laid off Merrill workers have started a meth-lab out of a midtown apartment and are making a killing tempting certain egret-loving junkies, and that the same business model is being used by former Pirate Capital staffers who just happen to show up on a secluded Stamford road by the water populated by a once mega-successful lover of sponge-y goodness-cum-cream every day at 2 bearing Twinkies, which have been keeping the demons (Ring Dings) at bay.