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Citi Tries To Figure Out How To Make This Thing Work

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Andrew Ross Sorkin lays out the options supposedly being considered by the firm as of last night:
1. "Replace Vikram Pandit." Not really sure how that'd do shit, or who they'd get to take over, or what kind of half-wits would hear this news and suddenly start believing in the firm if they hadn't previously, but whatevs. It'd be awesome if it were a 1-2 punch of 1, forcing VP out and 2, replacing him with Chuck Prince.
2. "Sell all or part of the company." To Circuit Cityi.
3. "A public endorsement from the government." I want to see Hank Paulson wearing Citi-branded shower shoes, driving a Citi-branded convertible, eating a Citi-branded sandwich, slathering Citi-branded hair-regrowth product on his pate.
4. "A new financial lifeline [from the government]." Will happen, right? Has to? Let's just keep our fingers crossed the braintrust that is the government doesn't try and do anything innovative (read: retarded).
5. "Full-page advertisements in major newspapers," reminding everyone, in case they didn't know, that Citi never sleeps.
6. "Reinstate the uptick rule." This would legitimately be more ridiculous than taking out an ad in a newspaper. SHORT-SELLERS ARE NOT THE ISSUE, VIKRAM.
Shares Falling, Citigroup Talks to Government [NYT]


Layoffs Watch '12: UBS Tells Employees Not To Bother Themselves With Figuring Out How To Get Into Work (Ever Again)

Earlier this week, before a natural disaster struck the East Coast, UBS announced that it would essentially be getting out of the investment banking business and focusing its energy on wealth management, letting go of approximately 10,000 employees as it transitioned back to its tax evading roots. That was Monday morning, and while the bank had said that it planned to start cuts on Tuesday, most people assumed that the Swiss would wait at least 24 hours between the time Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy told residents to seek safety from the storm on their roofs, or power for the many who lost it was restored, to can a bunch of staff. Those people, however, thought wrong. Apparently when UBS decides to do something, neither wind nor rain nor is gonna stop them.

If This Investing Thing Doesn't Work Out, One Tudor Venture Employee Has A Future At Radio City

Earlier this week, we had a little chat about letting your hair down in the summer months, but not so much that you get a reputation among colleagues and/or law enforcement officials. For example, while you should definitely allow yourself to enjoy some adult beverages during leisurely outdoor lunches and cut out early to grab a few or more with coworkers you actually like, you don't want to have so many drinks that you drive a car through a stranger's house. To that end, while you should certainly feel comfortable getting up on a bar or table to dance like nobody's watching, you might want to think about not getting up on table and (allegedly) destroying thousands of dollars in lighting fixtures while demonstrating a roundhouse kick. The arraignment of Daniel J. MacKeigan, 39, of Hingham, Mass, on a single count of vandalizing property, was postponed. MacKeigaan was present in court for Monday's hearing, but his attorney requested delay in the formal arraignment, and the assistant district attorney said he wanted time to possibly reconsider the severity of the charge against MacKeigan. MacKeigan was arrested at 1 a.m. early Sunday morning on Straight Wharf after allegedly destroying a $3,500 chandelier with a kick while standing on a table at the new Cru restaurant, in the former Ropewalk spot. The case will be back in court on June 18. Court Full After A Busy Weekend [Nantucket Inquirer And Mirror]

Ken Griffin Would Love To Spend All His Time Figuring Out How To Keep His Funds Above Water But Someone Has To Make Sure America Stays Awesome

"I spend way too much of my time thinking about politics these days because government is way too involved in financial markets these days," he said in a rare interview. He later added. "Part of my sensitivity to these issues is that I now live in the middle of a hyper-regulated industry, where not only is government affecting how capital markets work, or how banks work, but (the government) is punishing savers." The 43-year-old hedge fund manager said he has invested more time than ever before on politics since the financial crisis of 2008 nearly crippled Citadel. The firm's two flagship funds have since recovered, surpassing their so-called highwater marks this year..."I think (the ultra-wealthy) actually have an insufficient influence," Griffin said in an interview at Citadel's downtown office. "Those who have enjoyed the benefits of our system more than ever now owe a duty to protect the system that has created the greatest nation on this planet." [Chicago Tribune, related]