Attention SAC Capital Employees

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Are you working out of 72 Cummings Point Road? If you answered yes, do not order lunch today because there will be celebratory sheet cakes at noon on the house. What's there to celebrate, you ask? I know it might seem like nothing, what with the money, yours and investors', walking out the building, but au contraire my little she-males. There is MUCH to pump fists, bump chests bitch tits, and gorge yourselves on flour and water slathered in sickeningly sweet frosting over.


First: after over a month of struggle and adversity, the big guy has finally, finally been granted permission to add 1,145 square feet to his 35,000 square foot home which, I'm sorry, assholes, were previously attempting to begrudge him. At a town meeting earlier this week, the Planning and Zoning Commission voted 5-0 in favor of Big Daddy SC's application for the special permit. Though early accounts rumored that the extra space would go toward a room devoted exclusively to the playing of Candyland, the Times's Peter Applebome hears the addition will afford Stevie extra room for "more storage, a garden room, a breakfast room, and an expansion of the "his" dressing room." Once the double-decker Sub-Z's and extra George Foremans are installed, you will all be invited for a tour and BBQ.
Second, and way more importantly: it's looking like papa bear will not be out-toileted afterall. At the same town meeting, the Kogan family, they of "we want 26 toilets in our Greenwich, CT home" fame, seem to have cut off at the knees.

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