This Can All Be Turned Around In The Next Two Days

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One of our New Year's Resolutions is to stop making fun of Steve Cohen. Though previous gentle ribbings have obviously been public demonstrations of love as expressed by a deeply cynical individual scared to tell the big guy how she really feels, apparently they haven't penetrated certain fleece wearers up at 72 Cummings Point Road. Since it pains us to know we're not getting through, and because the keys to the Zamboni machine are all we want in life, a new angle of attack is necessary. A kiss and make-up sheet cake and handwritten note seem like good jumping off points, but we'll iron out the details later (speak up if you can facilitate this goal). Now that you know where we're coming from, it should be understood that the presentation of the following data is meant to be not a criticism but a congratulations for a (relatively) kick-ass job well done.

Through mid December:
- SAC Multi-Strategy: -12.8% YTD
- SAC Capital International: -18.7% YTD


Phil Falcone Is Turning His Life Around

To put it lightly, the last couple years have been a rather dark time for Phil Falcone. Though his woes are too numerous to mention in full, they include: the adversity he's faced in getting people to believe in LightSquared; his unbelievably pissy investors, who still aren't over the time he borrowed $113 million from a gated fund to pay personal taxes, or offered to pay out redemptions in illiquid LightSquared equity; the Securities and Exchange Commission, which wants him banned from the industry for life; the woman who once offered a respite from it all, who now won't even come out of her room when she knows he's home; and, of course, the plunging returns in his once highly profitable hedge fund. It would be enough to make a grown man say 'Fuck, it. I'm done.' Put a few things in a sack, tie it to the blade of a hockey stick, and hitchhike back to Minnesota. But Phil didn't do that and now? After a merciless storm of shit that felt like it would never ease up? After long days of investors and regulators breathing down his neck and nights of having to pound on the front door because he was accidentally purposely locked out of the house? The tide feels like it's turning for Philip Falcone. Beleaguered hedge fund honcho Phil Falcone’s big bet on his own publicly traded entity, Harbinger Group, is helping to lift his troubled hedge fund, Harbinger Capital Management, out of the deep end. Falcone’s flagship fund posted returns of 10.6 percent in July and a whopping 28 percent gain in June. Of course, he's still down 5.8 percent year-to-date, and the the director of the SEC's division of enforcement wants hedge fund graduate schools to use Harbinger as a case study during the unit on "how to operate a hedge fund unlawfully," but tonight? Tonight he tells Lisa to treat herself to something nice. Tonight he tells Wilbur to pull the baby grand out of the closet, where it's sat untouched for months. Tonight his key works in the lock. Tonight we dance. Phil Helps Himself [NYP]