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We Have To Be Able To Laugh About This Stuff

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When we heard SEC chairman Chris Cox was going to be holding a press conference with regard to the minor accounting issues at Madoff Investment Securities LLC, our first thought was: resignation. Not 'cause he hasn't been doing a bang-up job at the joint, which he definitely has. Just for, you know the drama. His response to the following question changed our minds. We need the uber-phallically named Chris to stay for the entertainment value inherent in watching a man mix so many metaphors and still fail to come up with anything resembling something that makes sense.
Reporter: "Can investors be confident that there aren't any other Madoff schemes out there in operation?"
Things that would've been preferable to the words that actually exited Cox's mouth:
1. "Yes."
2. "No."
3. "Everyone should flee the market, do panic. Do not make an orderly line for the exits. Do trample over the old ladies in the back row on your way out. And when you leave, set fire to nearby buildings. It's all over, bitches!"
What he actually said:
"We say that a rising tide lifts all boats. When the economic tide goes out, some of the skeletons that wash up on shore are Ponzi schemes such as this one. So one of the ways that these things are unhappily discovered is the roof falls in because of market conditions. "

"The reason for this review is to make sure we're upholding the traditionally very high standards of the SEC."