Of course, we loved "Dear Shareholder" letters before Bernie Made-off was a twinkle in our pseudo-journalistic eyes, but he has certainly raised the bar. Consider the latest offerings from Gabriel Capital Group, overseeing the Merkin-managed Ariel Fund:
In light of the fraud's devastating impact on our portfolio and, in particular, on our liquidity, we believe our only realistic option is to wind down Ariel Fund Limited and engage in an orderly disposition of its portfolio positions. The process will likely take several years to complete since many of the remaining assets are illiquid investments. We will distribute proceeds as the assets are realized, and in order to treat all shareholders fairly and equally, the Board of Directors has determined to suspend the determination of the net asset value of the shares and all redemption rights (including pending redemption requests).