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It's All Just This Big Misunderstanding, You See

Everyone's favorite DB Cooper wannabe apparently emailed a friend, and author of, Tom Britt, to plead his innocence:

Britt said Schrenker claimed in the e-mail that he had done nothing wrong and detailed the moments before he bailed from the plane.
"He said he panicked. He blacked out. He was disoriented when he landed. He was trying to explain to me his side of the story," Britt said.

We totally understand. That's a very traumatic experience you went through, Marcus.
CNN reports some other interesting details:
Though his state license to operate as a compensated financial adviser was revoked December 31st when his firm was raided, that didn't stop him from supposedly working through January 5th.
His wife filed for divorce the day before the raid. (Hmmmm! We need to put this girl and Andy Madoff's wife together and build a fund around them. Talk about timing!)
Marcus was "disturbed" by what he was reading on CNN and Britt's website (Your Blackberry is going to give you away, Marcus! Don't do this to us. We voted for 'Marcus Flies Free Forever') and wanted to set the record straight. (From Mexico, one assumes).
A judge has issued an arrest warrant and set $4 million in bail. (That seems low to us, but it was in Indiana, after all).
We are no experts on Indiana law, but might be propose this:
1. Despondent from your wife's bitter and seditious betrayal (that whore!) and the recent death of your father, you decided to take a nice, relaxing flight and do some late night canoeing. You figured you'd fly down to Florida, drop the plane off and join your friends up in Alabama for some Deliverance/Southern Comfort action. We understand. Really. No need to explain, we've seen the family pictures, the upside-down mousepad. We know all the secret codes.
2. Somewhere over Alabama, a can of warm seltzer water exploded. The sound is remarkably like a catastrophic windscreen failure, you know. (Try it!)
3. Convinced that you have been sprayed with glass, and mistaking the warm seltzer water for blood, your eyes stinging and panic setting in, you did the only reasonable thing- what any pilot would do in the same circumstance: you activated the autopilot. How it got set for 2,000 feet, you will never know.
4. Realizing that you were actually close to your Alabama destination, and that landing would be impossible with your badly damaged eyes anyhow, you pulled out the parachute you always keep on board, just in case.

5. Fortunately, your calculations worked out very well. (You are an unlimited aerobatics certified pilot, you know!) You managed to land right in the midst of your colleagues' preparation camp. Realizing that you had not actually been as badly injured as you thought (the skydiving goggles allowed the seltzer to eventually clear from your eyes) you figured, why upset any of your friends. Let's just go canoeing!
6. We won't talk about the horribly humiliating and degrading incident that occurred in the backwoods of Alabama, except to say that you were the only survivor who emerged.
7. Exhausted, you asked a police officer for a ride to the nearby hotel where you always stay. Of course you presented your real identification, why wouldn't you?
8. Since your father was supposed to be on this trip, you used his name in hopes he had already made a reservation. He hadn't gotten to that before he died, apparently. The clerk was a little slow and you had to spell the last name five times and he still got it wrong. Whatever, you figured, I'll just pay cash. No need to correct this dingbat.
9. Suddenly, it occurred to you that your aircraft must have gone down somewhere. What if someone was hurt? Moved to immediate action by your concern for the welfare of others, you put on a hat to protect yourself from the cold and then dashed off in the direction of the aircraft's last course. I mean really, that's pretty heroic.
10. Realizing that there would be no way you could get there fast enough on foot, you instead jumped on the motorcycle you had stored nearby in case of just such an eventuality. (Remember, your trip here had been planned).
11. You happened to look at your Blackberry to check up on the office and realized the awful mistake that had been made and emailed your friend to solicit his help.
12. It occurred to you that some financial records that you have in Mexico for safe keeping will clear all this up, so now you are heading down there as fast as you can to get them. You'll be right back.
There. What could be simpler?
Call us. We can help!
Warrant issued for missing pilot [CNN]