Steve Cohen Dominating Toilet Bowl

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His once mega-successful hedge fund may be in the shitter but Steve Cohen is back on top where it matters most: the Greenwich plumbing community. Back the truck up to last May, my little Steves, when Russian billionaire Valery Kogan announced his grand plans to build a 27,000 square foot home in Greenwich, replete with 26 toilets. The record number would've thoroughly trounced SC's 19, embarrassed him in his own domain and broken a law (Section 182, clause 17 of the Greenwich town code clearly states that "no home shall exceed the number of waste-removal stations as are found at Casa Cohen"). Cohen was beside himself, and we have it on good authority that the blow SAC took to its portfolios last winter and fall were a direct result of Papa Bear's distress, and not the markets, or idiot traders.
Today, we are pleased to report that after digging deep and putting his back into it, Stevie-boy has turned things around. I don't think I can say definitively that death threats were made without being sued for libel but obviously it was made clear to the Kogans that they were not to cross the big guy on this one. Valery's wife Olga is set to appear before the P&Z Commission with a new proposal, under which the Ruskies' home at 18 Simmons Lane would be outfitted with a mere fifteen toilets. A solid victory, yes, but this thing is FAR from over. We're told by a member of the special toilet task force, which is comprised of star SAC employees, that SC won't stop until he gets the Kogans down to 2.5. Then and only then, when order is restored, will he be able to focus on positive returns. I don't think I have to tell you we're rooting for him.

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