I Believe The Term Is 'Rectal Exam,' Thank You Very Much


Vikram Pandit, John Mack, Lloyd Blankfein and Jamie Dimon are set to testify before Barney Frank and the House Financial Services gang tomorrow to determine who knew what and when. Ahead of the Congressional Shouting Match, Charlie Gasparino has dug deep in a way only he can. His fact finding mission has resulted in two bombshells. The first is that Count Vikula attempted to pull the old "I'd love to be there but I have a previous engagement" line, as though he has something to hide (or suffers from crippling stage fright).

Pandit was apparently so uneasy about his possible appearance that at first he told committee staffers he had a conflict: A long-planned trip to China. The committee, which has subpoena power, told Pandit's people that it would probably be a smart move if he reconsidered his travel plans. "We said 'Look, this would appear a little odd if all your peers are all going to be here and you're not," said Steven Adamske, a spokesman for the committee. "We said 'It's a good idea for you to be here, too.'"
Shortly thereafter, Pandit cancelled his trip and he's now scheduled to testify. A Citigroup spokesman said: "When the committee inquired about Vikram's availability for a possible hearing on February 11, we indicated he had a trip scheduled that week. The committee subsequently notified us that the hearing would be held that day and Vikram cancelled his trip in order to participate."

The second is that these guys feel like scapegoats! and someone doesn't know his rectals from his anals (and for the offense should be summarily dismissed):

Back in New York--where Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit, Morgan Stanley CEO John Mack, Lloyd Blankfein of Goldman Sachs, and JP Morgan's Jamie Dimon all work--the hearings have been described much differently. "This is a lynching," said a publicist for one of the big Wall Street firms, who's dreading this appearance. Another flack called the hearing "theater of the absurd." A third called it "an inquisition." And still another called it a "public anal exam."


Bill Ackman Does Not Act, Bill Ackman Feels Deeply (And Does Not Appreciate The Insinuation Otherwise, THANK YOU VERY MUCH)

As we have discussed at length, when it comes to the art of regulating one's emotions while investing, there are two models to choose from: The Dead Inside paradigm, wherein you remain calm, cool, and collected, maintaining the same expression on your face whether you've lost $1 billion on one trade or made three times that much on another; and The Bill Ackman. The mega-successful Pershing Square founder imbues emotion in everything he does, particularly when it comes to his job. As a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, in the past Ackman has been known to: cry at shareholder meetings; get extremely heated to the point of his face becoming "flushed," his eyes "misty" when meeting with SEC investigators; pen "long, emotional, late-night missives" to top SEC brass; and erupt on directors of companies with such passion that his "furious outburst" could be "heard in an outside hallway." As there are few on Wall Street who exhibit such raw emotion while conducting business, and there is a propensity by some to employ tactics that will put them in the power position when facing foes, perhaps it should not come as too much of a shock that recently, a reporter asked Ackman whether or not the waterworks or displays of indignation are pre-planned, in front of a mirror. For those who've long known Ackman has more integrity in one salty tear than most have in their entire body, his answer will not come as a shock, but to set the record straight, for anyone holding out hope of seeing him do a little regional theater at some point in the future: