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Media Ruins Bank of Amerillwide's Good Time

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I don't know about you, but I fucking hate the god damn press. All they ever do is ruin my good time. I'm just trying to kick back, forget my trubs, maybe nail a hooker or two during a coke fueled bender of a weekend at the Bellagio with my colleagues before finishing up on some really critical pitchbooks with my red pen and bitching out an associate on the airphone, knowwhatimsayin? And who cares if my company is on the brink of insolvency?* WHO CARES?

From: [redacted @ BAC]
Sent: Wednesday, February 04, 2009 5:05 PM
Subject: Event Guidelines
Importance: High
Given the ongoing negative press, the Marketing transition team has issued the following guidelines regarding event and conference activity:
1. No resorts

2. No 5-star hotels
3. No entertainment, recreation or fancy meals (no company sponsored golf/spa outings, no bands, DJ's or other hired evening entertainment, no cocktail receptions)
4. If no business content or thought leadership, cancel
5. Anything considered pure hospitality, cancel
6. Must be serious business content; should be business revenue generating opportunities
We need to review all planned events with these guidelines in mind. Feel free to share this information with your business partners.

*Get of over yourselves, I'm just keeping it interesting in here.


Moody's Attempts To Ruin Dick Handler's Good Time

Until recently, being chief executive officer of Jefferies was an exercise in getting shit on. As the man in charge for the last 13 years, Richard Handler has had to put up with a lot of hurtful remarks that, while nothing to the person tossing them off, undoubtedly stung quite badly. "Third-tier bank." Place "I wouldn't let my maid's kid work." "Poor man's Morgan Keegan." So you can imagine that after a string of victories over the last several months that included getting involved in the slaughterhouse business and paying all-cash bonuses unlike some people, Handler and Co. would be feeling pretty good about themselves and that after announcing to the world they were getting paid more this year than their counterparts at big kid banks, they'd be feeling REALLY good about themselves. That payday, however, did not go over well when input into Moody's proprietary just-make-it-up credit-rating model, and now Handler's plan to gather everyone up to watch as the board shoots his compensation out of a tee-shirt gun in hundred dollar bills is completely ruined.