Alright, let's do this thing.
Franky-boy: "The purposes of this hearing is to formulate what we'll be doing going forward." Hopefully all based on the ideas put forth by Maxine Waters.
There's magic in the night.
"You, gentlemen, are the recipients of collateral benefit."
Barney-boy says we can do this the easy way or the hard way: "I urge you strongly to cooperate with us."
The Rep. from Alabama, who sounds like he's going to start crying, is hoping God's gonna pull us out of this; also, he "doesn't want to hear any name calling," which we take issue with, knowing that Blankfein has some choice ones for his colleagues.
Rep. Paul Kanjorski: WHERE'S THE MONEY, Lebowski Pandit, Lewis, Blankfein, Mack, guys whose names I can't recall.
CHARLIE GASPARINO WAS RIGHT! Rep. Jeb Hensarling: "Over the course of this hearing, you will be castigated, publicly pilloried," and rectally examined.
Rep. Judy Biggert and her constituents are angry.
Rep. David Scott wants to hear that the "$18 billion that went out to you was an abberation."
Because he's a sick fuck, Rep. Randy Neugebauer introduces another acronym. "I'm gonna call you TSEs (Taxpayer Supported Entities)."
Barney-boy says we're gonna do this alphabetically, and supposedly not in order of least to most hair (right).
Reading of the remarks.
Blankfein: "We pay our bonuses based on three factors: "performance of the firm/business unit/individual."
"Goldman Sachs has never had Golden Parachutes."
"We look forward to paying back the TARP so we can be free of the burden of your bullshit rules."
Boy-toy CEO Jamie Dimon is reading his remarks, no surprises here, but we did appreciate the death stare he gave Frank for interrupting him.
"Everyone here bears some measure of responsibility," though obviously JPMorgan bears less than others, [nods in Citi's general direction, which elicits a mouthed hey from Vikula].
Bank of New York Mellon is a "bank for banks."
Robert Kelly: "We essentially had a gun put to our heads."
Kelly [voice cracking]: "We have not used any of the funds to pay bonuses."
"We'll repay it," and then some.
Ken Lewis would like to start by making two key points. 1. That John Thain can S a fucking D. and 2. See point #1.
Frank and Friends are not paying any attention to what KL has to say, and are talking amongst themselves during his remarks. KL seems to notice this, which is awk.
State Street's Ronald Logue gets self-deprecating: "We are the back office of the global financial industry."
That's why he's the Lebanese Lothario: We've been so busy drafting the perfect suicide note that we didn't even notice no one's been asked if his mic is on! This is rectified withJohn Mack, who says that he was "trying to pull a fast one," to much laughter.
Apparently Vikram Pandit was able to reschedule his previous engagement.
VP purports to hold up this report, though surely it's just a bunch of blank sheets of paper, which someone should call him on.
Sidebar: though Barney-boy claims they're going in alphabetical order, do you think VP requested to sit next to Mack?
Pandit: "I streamlined our corp business, I put in new risk personnel, I got rid of color copies."
I would like to say something about the airplane. "We did not adjust quickly enough to this new world. I canceled the order. [Now] I get the new reality."
Dream big!: "My goal is to return Citi to profitability A-sap."
Hey-o: Overall corporate expenses at Wells Fargo declined 1 percent last year.
Be honest John Stumpf. Did Chris Cox write this line? "Wells Fargo is proud to be an 'engine' for the growth of the country."
Barney-boy: If you want to give back the money, we'll take it.