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We Listen To The Beard So You Don't Have To

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Big Ben, Live:
Ben: Sorry I'm late. Was helping Geithner with some math problems, and as you can see, my wife's cat puked on my tie.
Dodd: Here is how this hearing works. I grandstand for a few minutes, then I will tell you how fucked we are and exactly who was responsible. I will use words that suggest disease, maybe "cancer" here. Then you will explain how I am exactly right and how fucked we are (I expect you to use hand gestures here. You will remember that I love pointing at things.) Oh, my tie is dipped in the blood of republicans, you might notice.
Shelby: I'm glad you are here in your capacity as Chairman of the Fed so I can tell you about the Fed's balance sheet. Oh, and my colorblind manservant picks out my ties.
The Beard: You bitches forgot about the breaking of the buck in a large money market fund and the commercial paper clog in your little pre-prepared history that your congressional aide copy-pasted from Wikipedia two hours ago , didn't you? Of course you did. You are not the Chairman. I am the Chairman, damnit!
Bullshit in 4... 3... 2... "The Federal Reserve is committed to keeping Congress and the American Public informed on these matters..."
Now I will drone you into complacency to lull you into a semi-comatose state and keep CNBC on its toes wonder if they should cut out to an 8-way split screen.
Dodd: Woah. You almost got me there. So, am I to understand from a few obscure passages in your written testimony that you think there might be just a little bit of hope somewhere? I mean, I have to tell the American People something good here. They are going to storm the Capital with torches. Who is going to lead us out of this recession?
Beard: Hey, is that Elvis over there?
Shelby: [super long statement disguised as a question]
Beard: That's a very long question, Senator Shelby.
Bunning: Hey, joker, when are you going to show us your balance sheet and when are you going to tell us who you lent to so we can jump their shit?
Beard: Hundreds of years of central banking experience tells us that we really shouldn't be sharing loan data when it comes to short term collateralize liquidity.
Schumer: We should be regulating hedge funds, right?
Beard: Yeah, it was the larger firms that caused the issues here, not the small ones.
Schumer: That doesn't answer my question. I ask you about small firms, leveraged firms, you answer with large firms.
Beard: Yep. I know.
(CNBC points out that bank stocks are rallying- relating this to The Beard's "moral hazard is just the nature of the beast" comments).
Martinez: Ok, ok, how are we going to reinflate the housing bubblerescue the housing market?