BNP Paribas: You'll Get Your Bonus...When Parisienne Pigs Fly

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So! Big producers at BNP Paribas will be getting paid essentially nothing this year, but do not fear, because there's a convenient excuse for why. The banks' higher-ups are apparently telling employees that they wanted to give out huge bonuses, but they can't because Obama said people on Wall Street make too much money (which, sure, he did, but on what planet should that stop anyone?). There will be no cash whatsoever to speak of, though there will be payment in the form of some "esoteric paper" distributed over four years if and only if the ROI is 18 percent or more (JK...JK they're actually serious).

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Bonus Watch '12: BNP Paribas Employees Have More Grievances To Air

From the front lines: "Your BNP bonus story from earlier today missed the part that has BNP employees really rattled. The 4th and final deferred payment of the 2008 "retention bonus" was not paid out. It covered most employees who were here in 2008 and was pulled back because the bank fixed income department didn't cover ROE target. We were told on Feb 22 that we did not reach the 14.5 % target. ROE calculations are not clean and employees (including Sr. Management) asked to see exactly what was included in the calculation. The bank refused. Despite frequent attempts they're adamant about not releasing ROE calculations and acknowledged that we had 2.8 BB € write down on Greece. The CMIP plan covered hundreds of BNP employees. Clawbacks make sense but it's never happened on such a wide scale with so little information. What does 2008 comp have to do with the 2012 European crisis? Absolutely nothing....it was like stealing."