Of course, that Maxine Waters is totally batshit fucking crazy is not news. That Maxine Waters somehow managed not to appear totally batshit fucking crazy, that, dear friends, is news. We, therefore, report to you today our unadulterated astonishment (and palpable disappointment) that Maxine Waters somehow managed not to appear totally batshit fucking crazy. In fact, her demeanor, once dominated by the lines and curves of the raving mad conspiracy theorist who lectures into empty radio waves on my local community access channel while wearing aluminum foil and polarized sunglasses in his faux-wood paneled basement, had today moderated to such an extent that, during her discussion, actual boredom began to threaten what had once been our keen anticipation. Hopes raised by the introduction of the topic of Credit Default Swaps were quickly dashed when Waters simply asked why they could not be banned, rather than suggesting that "Swaps of the Default be adjudicated by the CEO of the Treasury in her capacity as the international risk taker of note to prevent Gold Sack from selling insurance."
During markedly rational questioning at today's Committee hearing, Waters expressed strong signs of empathy, even to the point of physical mirroring of Tim "The Safecracker" Geithner's manic tumbler opening gestures. Such a dramatic shift in approach and psychological sophistication could only be the result of some dramatic comings to pass. Among the alternatives that seem most likely are:
- Neurological damage due to severe blunt-force head trauma
- The sudden introduction of a high-dose course of anti-psychotic medication
- The clandestine substitution of an imposer (actor/robot)
- Aggressive religious deprogramming in conjunction with electro-convulsive therapy
After completing extensive research, we believe that the photographic evidence strongly supports alternative #2 listed above. (Thorazine seems the most likely candidate).
Oh, apparently there were some other people at the hearing too.