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The Highest-Earning Hedge Fund Managers...

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...will not be taking celebratory Zamboni joy rides on one of their own this year! Institutional Investor's Alpha magazine came out with its annual list of the highest paid hedge fund managers today. Here's who made the most in 2008, calculated by "the managers' shares of their firm's performance and management fees, as well as gains on their own capital invested in their funds."

Obviously there's a big pink elephant in the room right now, so we might as well acknowledge it by comparing this to 2007's top earners.

I honestly feel like I've been slapped in the face with a Twinkie right about now. How did this happen? HOW? I don't ask this to be mean,* I genuinely need to know. We knew things didn't end so great in 2008 (and there was a li'l outburst in the fall) but we didn't know they were this bad. Someone please help us to understand how this came to pass. Last we heard things at CR Intrinsic-- which is, or was, significantly comprised of Cohen's personal capital, kind of a major factor in the rankings-- were a bit tense but we never could have anticipated a blow of this magnitude.
In hopefully unrelated news, Alpha will reveal its NBC reality TV-inspired list of Biggest Losers tomorrow, a group of managers who together lost $6.2 billion in personal wealth last year. But delayed gratification is overrated, so, amongst yourselves, please determine now which names will be named.
*Though, to that end, and in the interest of full disclosure, there is a selfish element to all this. See, gang, heretofore, we've been able to so guiltlessly rib the big guy because a) we're doing it from a place of love, and not hate and b) he's been insulated from whatever we send his way by a 100 foot radius of estrogen pills, leaf cookies and mega, mega wealth. Now that he's destitute, we might actually feel a little bad and have to momentarily consider laying off him. Or: continue doing what we're doing, but send him a cheesesteak for lunch, on us. It'll be one of these two options, for sure.
**PS, condolences to KG, as well, but we think the wife's fund had not too terrible a year, so things can't be THAT bad. If that's not the case, hit us up for some cash later. We know you're good for it.

The rest of the list, which will also be filled in by Alpha tomorrow.


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