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How Your Stress Test Sausage Gets Made: Questions Include But Not Limited To 'What Is Pandit's Inseam?'

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As previously mentioned, regulators have told Bank of America and Citi they need to raise more capital, "insinuations" (Lewis's drunken words, not ours) with which the firms take issue and plan to appeal. Not to give the banks any credit, but on some level, you have to feel for them, in light of what they're dealing with:

During that process, executives have griped that examiners were demanding detailed information from every corner of the sprawling organization, consuming thousands of man-hours without briefing anyone on what the government was looking for, according to people familiar with the matter.
The regulators are asking "a million questions" and it's "very unclear what they're aiming at," one senior executive said earlier this month. "We can't discern a pattern."
Some bank executives have said that even after meeting with Fed examiners on Friday, they still don't understand details of the government's methodology for conducting the tests.

On the one hand, perhaps the government is being purposely vague about what they're looking for ("top secret mission" and somesuch). On the other, more likely hand, regulators have no idea what they're trying to "ascertain"-- which they refuse to admit, as any good corrupt cop would-- and are just breaking into the place and shoving random employees into broom closets and asking questions that have nothing to do with anything like "Who's your urinal cake distributor"** and then telling the interrogatee (the first second year analyst they happened to cross paths with upon entering the joint) to "Shut up, no, answer the question, I SAID SHUT UP."
Also included in the "process" are unannounced building break-ins (unnecessary as they could've just used the front door), and sealings off of Ken Lewis's office, which he's forced to stand outside of, just beyond the yellow tape, while a bunch of guys rifle through his drawers, every so often going "Found it!" (an ah-ha! moment that has nothing to do with the stress test but just unbridled glee at having stumbled upon one of the many (half empty) bottles of Boone's K to the L has stashed around the place).
*And it's not like they can mouth off, since it's the government.
**This actually isn't a good example, as the various answers are way more telling than you'd think. That's all I can say about that at this time.


How Your CNBC Sausage Gets Made (Update)

Step 1: Come up with story idea, say, about how small businesses are being hurt due to the NBA lockout Step 2: Reach out to Twitter followers, ask them to corroborate said story Step 3: Wait. Step 4: Practice asking Kate Upton to be your Valentine. ["Will you, Kaaa" voice cracks. "Will you, Kate Upton.." No, that's stupid. "Kate I would be most honored if you.."] Step 5: Daydream about how you and "Katie" will tell your families you eloped. Step 6: Marvel at your good fortune when a guy, who in real life is a bored teenager but over the internet seems like a legit businessman, emails you to say that he runs an escort service in New York, "mostly for away team players after games but some Knicks and Nets too; they are high rollers and I'm not getting the constant business I that I need to stay running." Step 7: Double fist pump the air and shout "Yes, D-Rove, you got this!" Step 8: Breathe, tell yourself to calm down and reel it in. Step 9: Put on your reporter hat and ask "Henry James" some questions like, "How much money would say you're losing? What cut do you then get? What is the cheapest woman and what is the most expensive woman? I assume it's by the hour and what is the typical # of hours?" Step 10: Make no attempt to verify source is who he says he is, that his business exists, that you're not being taken for a ride. Step 11: Cut, print. How A Teenager With A Fake Escort Service Duped Darren Rovell And CNBC [Deadspin] Related: SI Swimsuit Model Doesn’t Have To Worry About Things Getting Weird With CNBC Reporter Because He’s Known Her Since She Was 17