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[Raises Palm] You Know What This Means? It Means You're About To Get Slapped, So You Better Shut Up. I'll Do It, I'll Slap The Shit Out Of You. [Slaps...Slaps...Slappity Slap Slap Slaps...Slaps] There, There's Another Slap!

Um yeahhh. So ABC News is airing an interview with accused Ponzier Sir Allen Stanford tonight and if the excerpts are any indication, it's going to be fantastic television.
No, seriously I will cut off your dick and stick it in my ear if it's a Ponzi scheme.

"I would die and go to hell if it's a Ponzi scheme," Stanford said in reaction to civil allegations from the Securities and Exchange Commission that he bilked thousands of customers in an $8 billion fraudulent scheme involving "self-styled certificates of deposits" with "improbable" rates of return.

Poppycock. I'll say it again: poppycock.

"Baloney. Baloney," Stanford told ABC News. "It's not a Ponzi scheme. If it was a Ponzi scheme, why are they finding billons and billions of dollars all over the place?"

What do I have to say about being forced to fly commercial? Three words: It. was. harrowing.

Stanford said the government action to seize his assets had left him with little money and few changes of clothing. He was forced to fly on a commercial plane for the first time in almost two decades after the government seized his fleet of six private jets.
"They make you take your shoes off and everything, it's terrible," he complained about the airport security that apparently came as a surprise to him.

You sicken me!

Stanford also strongly denied an ABC News report, citing senior law enforcement officials, that he was under investigation in connection with the alleged laundering of money for a Mexican drug cartel.
"If you say it to my face again, I will punch you in the mouth," he said.

I'm not gonnnnna hurrrrt you.

Then backing off, Stanford said, "No, I'm not going to punch you in the mouth. But I'm just saying that's an absolutely, absolutely ludicrous thing to say. Anybody who knows me knows that's the case."

Stanford was also forced to bite down on his fist at several moments to keep the waterworks from really coming.

Stanford was near tears throughout the interview, and at times cried as he described how the SEC action had deprived him of being listed as the 405th wealthiest person in the world by Forbes magazine.

They hate me for my freedom animal carcasses.

"I'm the maverick rich Texan where they can put the moose head on the wall. And that's the only reason they went after me," Stanford said. "I'm fighting for my survival and for my integrity."