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These Are Your Tax Dollars At Work

As many of you are aware, last month a Wachovia employee set the bar extremely high (and low) with regard to feats of gastrointestinal fortitude, by consuming three cans of cat food in under thirty minutes. At the time, we suggested you people give up food challenges of any kind, as it was more than likely you'd never be able to match, let alone surpass, cat food boy, and that inevitable failures would put you in the category of having been beat by an anonymous Wach kid. Not all of you heeded our word.
Yesterday, at an unnamed TARP-taking bank, a faceless financial services hack took it upon himself to complete the time-honored vending machine challenge. He was unsuccessful. He did not tell Dealbreaker about it at the time, and while you would think he would've chosen to recede quietly into the darkness cloaked in failure, having left several items unconsumed (after having the entire day to eat them), the masochist instead insisted we share the story with you. Far be it from us to stand in the way of the comments shouting "pussy!" "you suck!" "you sicken me!" etc, in his general direction, so here you go. Perhaps you can learn from his mistakes.
2009 Vending Machine Challenge [PDF]