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Hedge Fund Fraudsters Beware

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You've had a good run, mostly because the mall security guards that were supposed to be keeping an eye on you were in the break room daring each other to do tequila shots that involved snorting the salt, taking the shot and squeezing the lime in their eyes, and just JO&C'ing on the clock in general, but those days are over. You might as well pack up your Ponzi schemes big and small now because you don't stand a chance. As we type, a "warning system" is being built across the pond to help UK's Serious Fraud Office detect hedge fund fraud via a system of red flags that point to shady things going down. And it's not just your chippie counterparts who have something to fear. Back at home, Mary Schapiro is apparently working on a similar machine being constructed in her garage by an out of work Chris Cox who just can't quit the beat. It's not up and running yet but early blueprints show that any detection of unusually high levels of cameltoe activate an alarm system that begins with a marble being dropped down a shoot and ends with an email marked importance: high as fuck landing in MareSchaps inbox. Basically, you're done here.


Death-Faking Hedge-Fund Fraudster Super Busy Right Now

Mark Malik knows what we're talking about.

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And dying from a form of cancer that attacks alpha generation, they say.