Hedge Fund Fraudsters Beware

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You've had a good run, mostly because the mall security guards that were supposed to be keeping an eye on you were in the break room daring each other to do tequila shots that involved snorting the salt, taking the shot and squeezing the lime in their eyes, and just JO&C'ing on the clock in general, but those days are over. You might as well pack up your Ponzi schemes big and small now because you don't stand a chance. As we type, a "warning system" is being built across the pond to help UK's Serious Fraud Office detect hedge fund fraud via a system of red flags that point to shady things going down. And it's not just your chippie counterparts who have something to fear. Back at home, Mary Schapiro is apparently working on a similar machine being constructed in her garage by an out of work Chris Cox who just can't quit the beat. It's not up and running yet but early blueprints show that any detection of unusually high levels of cameltoe activate an alarm system that begins with a marble being dropped down a shoot and ends with an email marked importance: high as fuck landing in MareSchaps inbox. Basically, you're done here.


Area Hedge Fund Manager: Leave Harry Alone!

As you may have heard, earlier this week the lovable scamp that is Prince Harry of Wales got in a bit of hot water when he was photographed ass naked in Las Vegas, with a bunch of equally ass naked ladies, following some sort of swim meet with Olympic gold medalist Ryan Lochte. Those photographs, some of which involved a billiards table and pool cues, were subsequently run on the covers of various newspapers and the Queen, being none too pleased, told her grandson to get on the first flight back to London (apparently in a tone so scary he knew she meant business and "did not mingle with other passengers," instead remaining "in the upstairs cabin of the 747" to think about what he'd done). While it's unclear what kind of punishment the Queen has in mind, or if she's yet delivered the sort of tongue lashing generally reserved for naughty Corgis and her subjects at RBS, in the meantime many have come to the prince's defense and advised the old lady to back off, like the hedge fund manager the Times found on the tube who thinks the Queen should relax and have a good laugh about it. She'd be doing the same thing if Prince Philip ever gave her a weekend off. Among people surveyed at random in central London, including subway commuters reading about the Las Vegas incident on the front page of the tabloid the Evening Standard, the verdict was mostly thumbs-up. “I think it’s quite funny,” said John Daniels, 46, a hedge fund manager. “I’m sure most people would like to be doing exactly the same thing, especially in Vegas. This is his own private time and people shouldn’t be taking photographs of him.” For Prince Harry, Vegas Exploits Didn't Stay There [NYT]