Love Is In The Air: Mergers And Acquisitions Is Back!

Author:
Publish date:
Updated on

It's been quite a while since we read the Times wedding section and proceeded to callously and unjustifiably assign a random "market value" to complete strangers by virtue of the fact that they work in the finance industry, hasn't it? But it's time we had some fun again and we can think of no greater fun than a couple sent to us from 2006, who uses earnings measure acronyms as foreplay. Starting today DB regular and all-around favorite Commenter Girl will select those who seem to be practically begging for it and serve them up for your consumption.
Can you feel it yet? The sand between your toes, having to block your Beirut table from the ocean breeze, the fragrant stink of burning meat on the grill: all of these things mean one thing kiddos: Love is in the Air. And oh, what sweet love stories the NYTimes troopered out for us this weekend.
Like the marriage of Rochelle Francis Gores and David Arthur Fredston-Hermann (the couple shall be known as Mr. and Mrs. Fredston, should you want to send them a gift). They were married this Saturday afternoon in Beverly Hills. And they were married by a Rabbi and a Maronite Priest (so progressive! +1). But who cares about that shit. They have a legacy, and indeed a love story, so unbelievably financey, that it could only be surpassed if they had met in the comments section of Dealbreaker.
Herewith, we re-inaugurate the long-dormant DB wedding index, Mergers and Acquisitions, in which we get all judgey up on those willing to pledge their love to each other for eternity.
So True to Form it's not even funny, unless you happen to be a fictional Leveraged Sell-Out character from 2006:
* "The bride's father is the founder of the Gores Group, an investment firm that buys and manages both established and newer businesses." (+2)
* he bridegroom's father founded FH International, a hedge fund in Harrison, NY (+10, hedge fund still sounds cooler than investment firm)
* "The bridegroom is the president and founder of Long Green Capital Management, a hedge fund in Los Angeles, that focuses on older concerns, including railroads, fertilizer producers and coal companies." (+13)
* "He graduated from Bates College." (-4)
* "She graduated from Western Michigan University." (-10)
* Both moms do community service (+15, way to keep it real)
* Although the Bride's mom supports some hippy dippy artists in residence in Michigan (-8)
So far we are even keeling it at +18. Where the couple excels, however, is courtship. Yes, the line "My daddy would never pay more than five [times Ebitda]" will be uttered.


* The couple met three and a half years ago on a rainy night in the West Village (+5, because, of course they did)
* Extra +2 because I'm guessing, it being 2006 and them being 23 at the time, that they met at Automatic Slims
* "Mr. Fredston-Hermann spent much of the night on his cellphone talking with his boss about an impending deal." (+5, even though the guy was probably going mano-a-mano to the dial tone to mask his social awkwardness)
* "Far from being put off, Ms. Gores was intrigued." (+10, because, of course she was.)
* "At one point when he was off the phone she asked about the offer for the company and how many times Ebitda it was." (-40, because if I were your child reading this 20 years from now, I would want to make a surprise visit home to Rye and punch you in the face.)
* "I think they're going to pay eight times Ebitda," Mr. Fredston-Hermann remembers saying, not quite believing that this attractive young woman with a short skirt and looking, as he said, very fashion forward, was talking his lingo." (+60 for making us realize that clichés really do come true, sort of like miracles).
* '"I pulled him aside and said I thought it was too much," Ms. Gores said. "My daddy would never pay more than five," she told him.'" This promptly sealed the deal. (+460 for this actually working on the shmuck. All girls who work in fashion should be given a list of parrot phrases to say to guys who work in finance: "Baqawk- You are leveraged to the hilt. Baqawk- make it rain").
* "We went with her advice and everything worked out," he said (-80, because your associate actually just told you to shut the fuck up and have the materials to him by 6 am for review, at which point you pulled the old "I'm giving you my last business card" line, which served the double purpose of making her feel special and solidifying the fact that you were indeed employed at a bank, a combination that in 2006 was awarded instant panty dropper status).
* " and an acquisition led to a merger," (+10, financial punnery at its bloody worst, but we love to love to love it.)
In closing, our little David and his shiksa goddess score +450, because their courtship sounds like everyone of our collective worst Saturday nights in history, rolled up into a neat little story and now immortalized in print. Mozel Tov! May you multiply and may your Investment firms prosper.

Related

Rarefied Air

A few years ago I was fortunate to attend a lecture given by Paul Wilmott challenging the wisdom of modeling derivatives on the assumption that there is no arbitrage. He floated an alternative approach (as but one of many possible heterodox approaches) outlining the pitfalls therein – chiefly the difficulty of convincing investors to bear with you until your thesis proves out – and toward the end he took questions. Some brave soul asked him, “Where does the money come from?”