This is somewhat overdue, but our default is to avoid tough conversations, preferring instead to bury our feelings and live in denial. But the time has come. As you may or may not know, we love (most) Dealbreaker readers and are happy to have you here. And we want you to feel comfortable, and not like a guest in our house. We've invited you to not only take off your shoes and put your feet up on the table, but treat it like the ex-frat house you so deeply miss and spend nights weeping over. But-- there's always a but-- we draw the line when you start pissing on the walls or defecating in the stairwells, which a select few of you are under the misguided impression is appropriate. This isn't Merrill Lynch. Not only is it not okay but it makes us-- how to put this-- want to take a walk over to your places of business and wring your god damn necks or run you over (and over and over) with the Zamboni we have on loan or at the very least, yell "shut the fuck up, asshats." However, we're more evolved than that. So. Some ground rules will be laid out. They are not up for discussion or interpretation, and believe me when we tell you we will go prison warden crazy on the asses of those who fail to comply and/or dispatch Charlie Gasparino to take care of whatever needs taking care of. Don't make us go to an all-registration format. You won't like it, and SteveInStamford has already been snagged. Join us as we review (for those of you who don't like words, feel free to refer to the tag, and have a great day):
1. The random, non-sequitur thoughts that come into your head, that you think are hilarious enough to send out into the universe. Even if they have nothing to do with the topic at hand. Hi, are we your mothers? No! Too much encouragement on their parts was probably the reason you thought we or anyone else would care, or would give a cookie for doing so. So, for example next time you think it'd be uproarious to log on to DB, open a comment box and type: "Am I an idiot?" or "I'm going to bang my secretary in the ass after lunch," send it to Mommy instead. The very, very rare exceptions to this rule are if your quip, while 150% off-topic, and lacking in any real value, is actually funny.* Which brings us to our next point.
*Like, if on a post about BAC, you shared the harrowing (or delightful, whichever) experience that was the time you were banging your secretary in the ass and a drunk Ken Lewis stumbled into the room and began to take part in the fun.
2. Be funny. Most importantly: Don't be not funny.
2a. We realize not everyone is funny. If you can't be funny, be smart. Turn that thing on you've got up top and use it. Smart is not a perfect substitute for funny, but it's damn close.
3. Disses. Far be it from us to say "don't diss people," since we've kind of made a career of it. But-- there's that but-- we're requiring that you raise this bar. "That's why you're unemployed, douche!" = not good enough.
4. Don't be a lunatic. If you're out of breath while typing or start to smell rubber burning up in that dome piece of yours, take two and revisit whatever you wanted to say.
5. Some acronyms are amusing. Some are not. Some have amusement levels that are inversely proportional to their frequency of use. "TLDR" is far past the point of no return in this respect.
6. The entity known as "The Guy From Delaware" (TGFD). Yes, he is extremely annoying (and, if you must know, currently on probation). Not 1/100th as annoying, however, as the Delaware spam (as in, and this circles back to point number one, meaning those of you who open up a box on a post about, I don't know, activist shareholders, and write "I'm the douche from Delaware and I love screwing cows-- TGFD" ). Cut it out or know our wrath. We are not kidding on this point.
7. Stuff like-- "you suck, I hate this site." Do you now? Telling us that is so amateur-status. Why don't you do something proactive with your hate, like not take the time to give us that extra pageview? Hang on to those feelings of anger and never let them go until the moment you go circus freak crazy on the guy next to you, or do something to otherwise attract the attention of HR that we can write about. That'd be helpful.
8. Sort of a global point but clearly worth noting: don't be an idiot. Would you say it-- whatever 'it' may be-- aloud? Oh, no, you wouldn't, 'cause you sound like an idiot/manboy/complete and total moron? Then don't put down it here. That being said, we realize people say stupid things to their friends, but we're talking about like, the actual full-on retard comments (*sorry, but that's the only way to describe them). You know the ones we're talking about. The ones that make people understand where the term "shit for brains came from." Reading those comments actually makes us think, in the place where brain-matter should be, you have shit. I'm not saying this to be mean. I just think everyone needs to know that's how it comes off, in case you were unaware.
Okay, that felt good. Now: we want to make sure we take a minute to compliment the many (and vast majority demographically) commenters who contribute in a helpful, much appreciated way to the site. You are the heart and soul of Dealbreaker. We love you. We miss you when you go. We are glad when you return. Never leave us. 'Cause we'd find you.
Related: How To Avoid Repeating Comments