Bernie's Life Behind Bars Doesn't Sound Like It'll Be That Bad

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Unless he gets the whole solitary confinement thing, which he probably won't, though it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world considering he's been looking for some quiet time for the last decade or so. According to prison expert Kirby Behre it's probably just going to be a lot of monotony, which will be boring but let's be honest-- he's a 71 and the alternative, had he not run into some legal troubles, would've been puttering around Boca with Ruth squawking in the background. With this new change in life plans, he'll be mixing it up, making friends and actually making money. Between 12 and 40 cents an hour, depending on the gig and its seniority! He'll also have the time to get in shape, since there'll probably be a walking track and basketball court, where you just know he'll be hustling guys twice his size on the regular. Finally, let us not forget that being thrown in the slammer will actually provide some measure of relief to Big B, who will be free, mentally-speaking, for the first time in his adult life, assuming that former employee wasn't just blowing smoke re: Ponz Boy being obsessed with symmetry and straight lines.

When Madoff was in the office, all window blinds had to be aligned at the same height, all computer screens had to be arrayed at the same angle and position, and on and on. So insistent was he on perfect alignment that, more than once, he dropped his trousers in the office -- startling female employees -- to ensure that the line of his shirt buttons was precisely vertical.

Of course, Bernie's obsessive need for cleanliness probably won't jibe with the less than spotless conditions of wherever he ends up, but presumably fellow inmates will have no problem dressing him up in a French maid costume and scrubbing on hands and knees.

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