Live Blogging Bernanke On BAC

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10:05 According to prepared a statement from the Beard, the Fed acted with "the highest integrity," he never told BAC management that action (like firing Lewis/killing him) would be taken if the MAC was invoked, and you bitches got nothing.
10:08 Rep. Edolphus Towns is getting kinky with his opening remarks. "It's time to lift the shroud of secrecy on the Fed and stick a flashlight where the sun don't shine."
10:12 Rep Issa wants to give Bernanke "a full and complete opportunity" to prove he's not a criminal. Issa is in desperate need of a better speech writer. I'm not going to be volunteering my services, as my loyalties lie with B-nanke, but perhaps some slithering virus might like the job.
10:15 Bernanke looks confident, as do the the 16 year olds behind him. Paulson was allegedly going to show up today but he's not seated at the table, meaning it's possible he's going to make a surprise entrance halfway through to fuck some Congressional asses up.
10:22 Mic trubs. Can you hear me now? Now? How's that? Can you hear me? (The kids behind Beard find the technical difficulties hilarious, as does Towns.)
10:26 Everything under control, prepared remarks being read. Blondie w/ Bangs is totally bored, can barely stifle yawns. Perhaps she'd be more entertained if B-nankes opened with this: "You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night's light -- but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner -- and unlike you I would never do that!"
10:30 Confidential to the minor next to Blondie: are you daring to a) close your eyes b) smirk to your pal stage left? All while the Fed chair is talking?
10:33 Is kid a few rows behind Blondie is attempting to come off reflective by tapping fingers on pursed lips? Or seduce Kucinich?
10:36 Bernanke promised Lewis no specific amount to complete deal, though he did dangle a case of Boone's on a stick in front of K to the L's face while mouthing "you want it? come and get it."
10:39 WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROOM? Has Bald entered the hizzous??
10:41 When Issa, who, in our professional opinion is getting way ahead of himself and is set to shoot his load with hours to go, told Bernanke he could make his point "briefly," should Beard have gone with the Danza slap, clown face, or other?
10:47 Yes, Beard and his boys have asked Bank of America to reexamine its board and possibly make changes, and yes, if we're going to be superficial, Kucinich is at the back of the pack when it comes to League Tables: How Hot Is The Congressional Staffer Sitting Behind You, though perhaps the guy does some good stuff with his tongue.
10:50 Rep whose name I missed is trying to spice this thing up. "Is Mr. Lewis lying? Did he lie? Is he lying?" Pipsqueak next to Blondie likes this.
10:53 While "I'm sure I can't remember" is a good response to "Are you sure you can't remember?" B-squared probably should've gone with "Kiss my ass and suck my dick... everyone" and walked out of the room.
10:59 Rep Jim Jordan is taking us back, way back, to the day in October Paulson rounded up all the CEOs in a room and suggested he'd put caps in all their asses if the TARP money wasn't accepted. Apparently this is to establish a history of intimidation, in which case, why stop there? It's common knowledge Hank cut his teeth the summer between high school and college working as a bike cop, and would regularly wear shorts cut loosely enough that he could dangle his Paulsons in people's faces in such a way that implied, "Do not even entertain the thought of fucking with my shit."
11:05 Tiger print, possibly a gal pal of Dick Fuld, doesn't get why Lehmans (both of them) was allowed to fail.
Yessss. First instance of "I'm not a [insert profession here]," a longstanding tradition of Congressional Hearings. There's a 10-spot in it for Beard if he mixes it up today with "I'm not a Brazilian waxer," "I'm not an irrigation specialist," "I'm not a publicly elected sucker of cock," etc.
11:09 Bernanke doesn't give a rat's ass about the SEC and he's got no regrets, when it comes to the BAC deal or anything in life [turns around to lady behind him, "Only that I didn't take you to Argentina when I had the chance, sweet cheeks."]
11:20 Rep. 'Stache knows Lewis is the bad guy, not Bernanke. But he's going on gut instinct, and needs some cold hard facts. Evidence. Damning pictures of Lewis passed out in the men's room of a biker bar in Charlotte.


11:30 Bernanke says the SEC was not "willfully kept in the dark on Merrill's losses," which we buy, since it was probably as easy as saying "Hey, look, over there," and then shoving them in a broom closet 'til the grown ups were done working.
11:42 Bernanke's remained totally calm and shut these punks down at every turn but true or false: he's slightly nervous about the prospect of having the insane 12 inch talons on Rep. Pink Lady being violently inserted in various orifices?
11:52 Rep Elijah Cummings: Did you think Ken Lewis was competent?
Bernanke: [the audio on CNBC's live feed dies. WAY TO FUCKING GO CNBC! Since we couldn't hear the actual answer, I'm going to assume it went something like this:] Do I think Ken Lewis was competent? Define "competent." Do you consider a fall down drunk who eats a bottle of Schnapps for breakfast and then proceeds to load himself up sufficiently on the way to work such that by the time he gets there his brain is addled enough to identify the trading floor as a giant urinal, and take a piss on a bunch of commodities traders "competent"? Yeah? Then yes, I thought Ken Lewis was competent.
12:06 "Was it really necessary to save AIG?" "No, I just had some cash to blow."
12:45 This needs to end, now. Since Blondie's left the room, as have the other children, we suggest B-nankes tells Issa we're done here, cuts his mic, turns to Scary Substitute Teacher and shows her his dancing feet, since she's quite obviously been begging for it.

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