Mergers And Acquisitions: They Seem To Be Catching On

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In which Commenter Girl reads the Times wedding section and proceeds to callously and unjustifiably assign a random "market value" to complete strangers by virtue of the fact that they work in the finance industry, and are begging for it.
Well well well. It seems that after last week's EBITDA Cinderella story, all similar unions have been cast underground for fear of inclusion in today's write-up. To which I say: cowards! Wither the couples lathering each other up with reference to yield curves? Hiding, apparently, 'cause we know they're out there. This weekend's batch of weddings was virtually unmockable (especially since we'd been spoiled by Mr. and Mrs. Fredston last week). And yet, we forge ahead, confident that there will be many more nuptials capable of making you upchuck your lunch ahead. (Also, our pain was eased by a strong cocktail at the finish...more on that later.)
Lindsay Burton, Thomas Sheehan
* Mrs. Sheehan, 25, is an associate at AlpInvest Partners, where she focuses on purchasing positions in private investment funds from endowments and other institutional investors. (+5, I like me a smart cookie)
* She graduated from the University of Virginia. (-1)
* Her father is a professor of economics at the University of Virginia. (+2)
* Her mother is the president of the Charlottesville Garden Club. (+ only 5, because we haven't seen her phalaenopsis nursery yet)
* No word on his mother, whose gardening skills we can only assume are not sufficiently up to snuff enough for mention (-6)
* Mr. Sheehan, 35, is a vice president and portfolio manager at Inverness Counsel, asset managers in New York. (+5)
* He graduated from Yale (+1)
* His father is a partner in the New York law firm Curtis, Mallet-Prevost, Colt & Mosle, where he is a chairman of the trusts and estates department. (+3)
* Does anyone else think they look alike? (+10)
Total: 24


Erin Marie Dolan and Christopher David Hagstrom
* Mrs. Hagstrom, 27, is an event planner at Fête, a wedding and party planning company in New York. (+3, because, those skills will come in handy when you're planning Madison's 4th birthday party for 300 anonymous colleagues, clients, friends and estranged family in Darien 5 years down the road)
* She graduated from Carnegie Mellon. (-1)
* He graduated from St. Bonaventure. (-10)
* He is a managing director in New York for UBS, the Swiss investment bank. He lends money to hedge funds. (+5...but -10 because, you know)
* Mr. Hagstrom is 39 (+4, because my old fogey of an Uncle always says, to the ire of my feminist cousins, that the ideal woman should be half a man's age plus 7 years, which would pin Ms. Hagstron squarely at 26.5. She's half a year too old, but we'll let it slide).
Total: -9
Ann My Thai, Dr. Arun Wiita
* Neither of these people are in finance, so in theory we don't really care about them. But check out the bride's name! My Thai. (+30 Because that's like being named Old Tom Collins, or Sex on the Beach.)
Total: (+30)
It was a close race, and we all hate (/love.../hate) to see financiers lose but in this case there could only be one winner, and that was the My Thai clan. May your children be fruity and pack a punch, just like your namesake.
To the rest of you, there's always marriage #2. And statistically speaking, 2 out of four of you will get that chance. Thanks for playing!

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