Bank of America Tower Is Hideous Eyesore, Joke, Fattie, Faux-Green Deathtrap

I sincerely hope no Bank of America employees are not reading the internet today because really? The blows are going fast, hard and low. If Ken Lewis and Co were already feeling a bit bad about themselves, if they were starting to think, "maybe it's true, maybe we really do suck," if they were beginning to take the trash talk that they can't do anything right to heart, the absurdly catty critique of the Bryant Park building over at Bloomberg will not do wonders for the ego. First off, according to architecture critic James S. Russell, the place is a constant reminder that before Ken Lewis came up with the genius idea to buy Countrywide and Merrill Lynch, BAC wasn't in the toilet.

The building was touted as costing $1 billion in 2004, and the bank has declined to update the figure. After the 64 percent slump in the bank's shares since September, this glinting bundle of shards, nearing completion across from Bryant Park, could be considered a monument to bonus-coddled, overindulgent, corporate excess.

And that stuff about it being the antidote to global warming? Bull.

Cook & Fox touts One Bryant Park as "the world's most environmentally responsible high-rise office building."
This is an overstatement. Around the world, eco-buildings have moved far beyond this design.

Okay, but besides the greed and green stuff, is she doable? No. Russel wouldn't fuck her with Angelo Mozilo's dick.

The 54-story result is among the most ungainly forms on the skyline, like a matron who swathes herself in thick layers of fabric in a vain attempt to slim her burgeoning silhouette.

What the? And after that thinly veiled shot at KL's cankles? Anything else you wanna say? Yes. Jimmy would like to get one more thing off his chest.

...dumpy.

OH NO, SHE DI'INT. On the bright side! Russell does slip in one thing that, if they're smart, BAC execs will use to their benefit on the off-chance the next few quarters don't go their way. How can anyone be expected to make money money take take money money when they can't even see due to an environment that fosters 24/7 squinting?

Though bands of white ceramic dots fused onto the glass are designed to cut unwanted sun, a bank official said the company had regretted not investing in shades that would automatically lower when the sun beats in.

Bank of America's Earnest Eco-Tower Rises From New York Slump [Bloomberg via DI]