So much unhappiness wafting from the House of Dimon these days! As you all know, the fall of Bear didn't just result in Jimmy Cayne finding it necessary to economize with a switch to crack-laced joints. It also meant a whole lot of lucky Bear guys-- the ones who didn't get fired-- taking their off shoes, unbuckling their belts and putting their feet up on the desk at the House of Dimon. The legacy JPM-ers tolerated the new additions at first, thinking it wouldn't be long before the BSC-ers got the boot. Unfortunately, things didn't exactly turn out that way! Specifically they're talking about wanting to take Jeff Urwin, former Bear co-head of investment banking and current Head of Investment Banking Coverage in the Americas at JPM, out in a body bag. Since the guy who could conceivably sign off on that, Doug Braunstein, is not taking calls at the moment, we've been asked to put out the word, on the off chance he's blowing off steam on DB.
Bankers at JPM are seriously disgruntled. We've endured Jeff Urwin for over a year now, but no one expected him to last this long. He's created an enormous amount of bureaucracy - everything from making bankers track the hours of their day like lawyers to disciplining bankers who don't have more than 250 clicks on certain internal websites. Creating all of these bullshit systems and internal bureaucracy just allow him to justify his existence. To add insult to injury, Big Brother hasn't seen clients in over a decade and wouldn't know how to sell a life vest to a drowning man. Senior bankers, including myself, are fed up, but Doug Braunstein seems to be oblivious. We've been asked to cut costs in every way possible, but I see this big piece of fat called Jeff Urwin that could certainly be cut.
Without having performed out standard on-site diligence to observe Urwin in the zone, we're going to put out an early suggestion that he'd probably score mucho brownie points with the team by doing something as simple as bringing back lucite plaqutes.