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The CNBC Stories That Will Blow Your Mind

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Or elicit a "no fucking shit," I can't decide which. This morning there are two of them, both about Dennis Kneale:
1) Apparently Kneale's on-air "meltdown" and rant against "digital dickweeds," who suggested DK's bold claim that the recession was over was dead wrong (and whose commenters* later noted that DK should be put in a burlap sack and beaten with reeds, that he was functionally retarded, and that he bears a resemblance to Beaker) was manufactured. Specifically by his producer, former Fox guy Jerry Burke (the one who told DK the outburst was poetry, and the best thing he'd ever done on the show). But...but I thought...but didn't Dennis say...didn't he tell a reporter this wasn't "about standing out"? And now you're telling us the truth is that the whole thing was a stunt "to draw attention and drum up buzz"? So it was all a sham? I mean, it makes sense, given that Dennis had been in the slot for 14 weeks and no one was really paying attention, and if you consider that CNBC talent is contractually obligated to not let 15 seconds go by without starting a fight over something, anything, with fellow colleagues or guest, lest they receive an electric shock to the nipple but....but this means we were lied to? And...used? And might never be able to trust anything that comes out of Dennis's mouth again?
2) DK (allegedly) gets drunk and gropes the wives of underlings.
*Some people--Dennis-- have trouble differentiating, and you guys should be getting credit for your contributions.


How Your CNBC Sausage Gets Made (Update)

Step 1: Come up with story idea, say, about how small businesses are being hurt due to the NBA lockout Step 2: Reach out to Twitter followers, ask them to corroborate said story Step 3: Wait. Step 4: Practice asking Kate Upton to be your Valentine. ["Will you, Kaaa" voice cracks. "Will you, Kate Upton.." No, that's stupid. "Kate I would be most honored if you.."] Step 5: Daydream about how you and "Katie" will tell your families you eloped. Step 6: Marvel at your good fortune when a guy, who in real life is a bored teenager but over the internet seems like a legit businessman, emails you to say that he runs an escort service in New York, "mostly for away team players after games but some Knicks and Nets too; they are high rollers and I'm not getting the constant business I that I need to stay running." Step 7: Double fist pump the air and shout "Yes, D-Rove, you got this!" Step 8: Breathe, tell yourself to calm down and reel it in. Step 9: Put on your reporter hat and ask "Henry James" some questions like, "How much money would say you're losing? What cut do you then get? What is the cheapest woman and what is the most expensive woman? I assume it's by the hour and what is the typical # of hours?" Step 10: Make no attempt to verify source is who he says he is, that his business exists, that you're not being taken for a ride. Step 11: Cut, print. How A Teenager With A Fake Escort Service Duped Darren Rovell And CNBC [Deadspin] Related: SI Swimsuit Model Doesn’t Have To Worry About Things Getting Weird With CNBC Reporter Because He’s Known Her Since She Was 17