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Where To Spend This Year's Bonus

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Some of you will actually be getting bonuses this year, and in a few cases, huge ass bonuses. Since it's never too early to start researching which trinkets you might blow the money on, we're thinking we ought to discuss a possible contender: the home (and stuff) of a busted Mexican drug lord. If convicted, the pad belonging to Zhenli Ye Go is going to get auctioned off and wouldn't it be fantabulous if one of you made it your/our own? I know what you're probably thinking right about now-- Bess, you dumb b, the manses in movies like Scarface aren't actually like that. They're not real. They're played up for the big screen. They're exaggerations, right? WRONG. "You realize that the mansions in movies like 'Scarface' aren't exaggerations," says Omar Yaffar, a 36-year-old manager at a branch of the Mexican Finance Ministry known as the Asset Administration and Disposal Service. "The real thing can be more amazing." Think "Hansel and Gretel meets Pablo Escobar," which for the coke blowing candy lovers in the audience (you know who you are, don't deny it) should be argument enough to fork it over for this thing. For the others, who need a little more convincing, this is what you could be coming home to:
* a labyrinth of garden trails among man-made ponds fed by waterfalls
* a cave-like underground hot-tub complex about the size of a backyard swimming pool, featuring faux stalactites and a fireplace
* a glass skylight that allows bathers to gaze up at lions or a pair of albino tigers that dwell in a cage on the roof (the animals have since been donated to a zoo but you could get them back, easy, or bring in your own)
* Versace dinnerware to go with Baccarat wine glasses and Lalique Champagne flutes
Other items that will be up for grabs at the same auction, and which I really think you'll need to feel comfortable in your new home:
* A Rolex watch and band custom-jeweled to resemble leopard's skin
* De La Cour watches featuring skull or marijuana-leaf motifs
* a pair of gold pistol grips with raised eagle busts adorned with diamonds and emeralds
* those coke-smuggling sharks


Bonus Watch '16: Deutsche Bank Employees Might Just Wanna Forget About Bonuses This Year

Or at least keep those expectations somewhere between low and very low.