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Bernie Madoff Dying, Making Platonic Male Friends, Eating Delicious Wraps, Waxing Chest Hair, Getting High

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The Postreports that Bernie-boy may be suffering from pancreatic cancer, a rumor we've been hearing since January that he's been pushing while behind bars by taking "20 pills a day" and telling fellow inmates he could go at any moment. In the meantime, his new friends are apparently making things as comfortable as possible for the big man. According to sources, a whole bunch of prisoners are "trying to kiss his butt" via his stomach "by regularly cooking sandwich wraps for him back at their cells." And if you thought that meant dry, unimaginative turkey meat, think again! Berns has been ingratiating himself to "the homosexual possse," and while we're assured the relationships are "purely platonic," they certainly include a little aioli and some roasted red peppers. Additionally, it sounds as though someone has been performing a little manscaping on Big B, and also getting him stoned.

...a bare-chested Bernie has been killing time at the prison participating in Native American religious purification ceremonies held at an on-grounds "sweat lodge," other sources said.
He accepted invitations from Native American inmates to join them at their weekly prayer services. The ceremonies involve praying, using heated rocks to induce sweat and smoking from a ceremonial pipe.

Also, several gangs are said to be lobbying hard to recruit Bernie into their crew, not going so far as to say, but to definitely imply they have people on the outside who can "deal with" Sheryl "It was the smallest D I've ever seen" Weinstein.