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Bernie Madoff Never Met A Secretary He Didn't Proceed To Bang

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We didn't intend for this to be Bernie Madoff Wick Dipping Day but so be it. Did you work as an administrative at some point in the last few decades? There's a good chance you got boned by Bernie, says another book about to be released on the topic of Berns' roving D. According to author Jerry Oppenheimer, the Ponz Master "had flings with numerous secretaries that frequently ended with hush-hush settlements," including one for $250,000. Most of the girls were "the same type as Ruth" in that they were blond* and blue eyed, and also not the same type, in that they were "young." Apparently many a tryst took place "in the office," which should add a little something to the guided tour of the Lipstick Building's 17th floor that a couple of Bernie's lovechildren are planning for this fall (people love a good conception-on-copy-machine story). Anyway, not that we necessarily want to hear or picture more on this subject, but one can't help but think that this would be a great time for anyone touched by Bernie to come forward and weigh in on whether or not Sheryl Weinstein's assessment of the Madoff package is fact or fiction.
*Ruling out the possibility of an affair with long-time secretary/Liza Minelli doppelgänger Eleanor Squillari, which might explain recent instances of cattiness re: Bernie's girls: bitch be jealous.
**Sidebar: That's definitely my new fave pick of the big man.