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Jamie Dimon: Obama's Perceived Tumescence For Me Is Overblown

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Jamie Dimon was recently interviewed on a whole slew of topics, the most pressing one being Obama's supposed hard-on for the guy, fueled by the media. Our favorite Boy Toy CEO stressed that he barely knows the President, and certainly not in the biblical sense, and in response to the query, "Are you Obama's favorite banker?" which we all know is the god damn truth, JD answered, "I'm not sure he has favorites."
This, of course, was a lie,* uttered for a couple reasons. The first is that it was a terrible question. Even if James wanted to answer "fuck hell yeah," or "yeah man, he's my number one fan-- worships daily at The Church of JD," Dimon's not going to come out and say it (and he didn't have to, thanks to being teed with such an easily evaded query). It'd make Lloyd's blood boil, and obviously things are easier on him if he doesn't have the general public thinking he's got Obama wrapped around his finger. Maybe, we could've gotten there eventually, if the interviewer had used a little thing I like to call finesse. Maybe, next time, he'll ease into that shit slowly, with more subtle but leading Q's like:
"Do you get the impression Obama thinks about you when he's doing his wife?" "Do you suspect he's pressing Tim Geithner to enact Pantless CEO Fridays, a take-off on Hawaiian Shirt Day?" "Have you been told point blank that when he does karaoke to 'Mickey,' he swaps your name in so the line goes, 'Oh Jamie your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind hey Jamie, hey, hey, hey Jamie'?" and "Does it weird you out that he'll fill your entire voicemail with one message after the other like 'Hey Jamie just checkin' in, give me a ring,' 'Hey Jamie, I'm at a pay phone...pick up pick up pick up,' 'Hey James, I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah...has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it,' and 'Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later'?"

Maybe next time he won't completely blow it.
Then again, the Dizzle is nothing if not sharp even with our superior line of questioning might not slip. 'Cause the other reason he didn't want to give the impression he and 'Bama are tight? The jealous streak of someone who would not think twice about climbing into Jamie's bedroom window and gutting him like a fish. Do not fuck with this bitch. Cross her and she'll make you wish you were never born. I'm talking next level, Fatal Attraction type shit. Middle fingers won't be the only thing missing when she's done.
*In fairness, it's not just the President. Everyone wants a piece of Jamie Dimon. You want a piece of Jamie Dimon and you don't even know it.


Confidential To One Small Arachnid: Jamie Dimon Is Coming For You

The past couple of weeks, some might argue, have been the worst of Jamie Dimon's professional career. Although being fired by Sandy Weill in 1998 was obviously a distressing time in Dimon's life, a JPMorgan trader's multi-billion dollar (and counting) loss appears to be even more painful for the CEO, who now has a reputation (and a title: "America's Least Hated Banker") to defend. While it's unlikely that the blunder will cost him his job, every article written questioning Dimon's judgment, suggesting that he is in fact fallible, and wondering aloud if he is simply a pretty face (that is about to get the regulation it has vociferously argued against rammed down its throat) clearly hurts. So far, Dimon has chosen to frame the situation, at least publicly, as a group fuck-up, one for which the responsibility is shared among himself, The Whale, The Whale's bosses, and The Whale's bosses' bosses. Over the weekend, though, a heretofore unmentioned character, whose actions set in motion the events that served to tarnish JD's halo, was added to story. And now, Dimon has a place to channel his anger: on a bloodsucking vermin whose days are numbered. Ever since JPMorgan Chase disclosed a multibillion-dollar trading loss this month, the central mystery has been how a bank known for its skill at risk management could err so badly. As early as 2010, the senior banker who has been blamed for the debacle, Ina Drew, began to lose her grip on the bank’s chief investment office, according to current and former traders. She had guided the bank through some of the most rugged moments of the 2008 financial crisis, earning the trust of Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan’s chief executive, in the process. But after contracting Lyme disease in 2010, she was frequently out of the office for a critical period, when her unit was making riskier bets, and her absences allowed long-simmering internal divisions and clashing egos to come to the fore, the traders said. The morning conference calls Ms. Drew had presided over devolved into shouting matches between her deputies in New York and London, the traders said. That discord in 2010 and 2011 contributed to the chief investment office’s losing trades in 2012, the current and former bankers said. “When Ina was there, things ran smoothly,” one former trader there said. But Ms. Drew’s firm hand began to weaken after she contracted Lyme disease. Her absences opened the door for tensions among her deputies to flare into the open...Most significant, her deputy in New York was increasingly at loggerheads with her deputy in London who spearheaded the strategy behind the losing bet, Achilles Macris, the current and former traders said. But there was only so much she could do when she was away. So, first off, the tick that bit Drew is a dead man (though probably a woman, as "the female adult is usually the one causing the most bites as males usually die after mating"). If people thought Dimon was mad after being informed of the losses, just wait. He's going to find that bitch tick and shoot her with a cannon. Next, it's time to put some safeguards in place to protect his bank from anymore "surprises." Effective immediately, JPMorgan employees are banned from venturing into the forest, for any reason whatsoever. Same goes for grasslands, marshes, and anywhere tall grass grows. Anyone planning on prancing through the meadows in slow motion to meet up with and embrace a loved one in some kind of romantic gesture can forget it. The JMPorgan Outdoor Club is officially disband. Contact with children who are cub scouts is forbidden. Any girl scouts who attempt to set foot on the premises in order to sell cookies will be shot on sight. (These people are breeding grounds for ticks, what with their expeditions into the woods for merit badges and whatnot. He's going first derivative here, while at the same time trying to not enact mandates that make him look ridiculous.) Discord at Key JPMorgan Unit Is Faulted in Loss [NYT]