Jamie Dimon: Obama's Perceived Tumescence For Me Is Overblown

Author:
Updated:
Original:

Jamie Dimon was recently interviewed on a whole slew of topics, the most pressing one being Obama's supposed hard-on for the guy, fueled by the media. Our favorite Boy Toy CEO stressed that he barely knows the President, and certainly not in the biblical sense, and in response to the query, "Are you Obama's favorite banker?" which we all know is the god damn truth, JD answered, "I'm not sure he has favorites."
This, of course, was a lie,* uttered for a couple reasons. The first is that it was a terrible question. Even if James wanted to answer "fuck hell yeah," or "yeah man, he's my number one fan-- worships daily at The Church of JD," Dimon's not going to come out and say it (and he didn't have to, thanks to being teed with such an easily evaded query). It'd make Lloyd's blood boil, and obviously things are easier on him if he doesn't have the general public thinking he's got Obama wrapped around his finger. Maybe, we could've gotten there eventually, if the interviewer had used a little thing I like to call finesse. Maybe, next time, he'll ease into that shit slowly, with more subtle but leading Q's like:
"Do you get the impression Obama thinks about you when he's doing his wife?" "Do you suspect he's pressing Tim Geithner to enact Pantless CEO Fridays, a take-off on Hawaiian Shirt Day?" "Have you been told point blank that when he does karaoke to 'Mickey,' he swaps your name in so the line goes, 'Oh Jamie your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind hey Jamie, hey, hey, hey Jamie'?" and "Does it weird you out that he'll fill your entire voicemail with one message after the other like 'Hey Jamie just checkin' in, give me a ring,' 'Hey Jamie, I'm at a pay phone...pick up pick up pick up,' 'Hey James, I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah...has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it,' and 'Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later'?"


Maybe next time he won't completely blow it.
Then again, the Dizzle is nothing if not sharp even with our superior line of questioning might not slip. 'Cause the other reason he didn't want to give the impression he and 'Bama are tight? The jealous streak of someone who would not think twice about climbing into Jamie's bedroom window and gutting him like a fish. Do not fuck with this bitch. Cross her and she'll make you wish you were never born. I'm talking next level, Fatal Attraction type shit. Middle fingers won't be the only thing missing when she's done.
*In fairness, it's not just the President. Everyone wants a piece of Jamie Dimon. You want a piece of Jamie Dimon and you don't even know it.

Related