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Ralph Cioffi Could Use A Pick-Me-Up

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Ralph Cioffi, the manager in charge of the two ridiculously named Bear Stearns funds--High Grade Structured Credit Strategies Fund and High Grade Structured Credit Strategies Enhanced Leverage Fund-- that bit the bullet in 2007 is set to take the stand October 12, along with this partner in (possible) crime, Matthew Tannin. Ahead of the big day, Gabe Sherman at New York has checked in to see how things have been going for Big R since the perp walk. Not so good! In fact, one might say downright bad. First off, he had to sell his Southampton house this past July for "millions less" than his $11.875 million asking price. Then, he was forced to get rid of two Ferraris, leaving him with only one. But most upsetting? The hardest thing to take? The mother of all blows to the ego?

It's been a lonely time for Cioffi ever since he was paraded in front of reporters last June. Only one of Bear's top brass called after he was indicted. Alan Schwartz, Cayne's successor, called once.

That's right. At a time when the offer to smoke a J is probably just the thing that could lift Cioffi's spirits, there's been nary a peep from his stoner boss. Of course, there's a logical explanation for the silence-- Cayne is too busy running down his list of opponents, in alphabetical order, and telling reporters they're all gay-- but it would be nice if he could pencil this in. Cioffi could probably also be suckered into paying for the weed and chips, so everybody wins.


Steve Cohen Bought Himself A Little Pick-Me-Up

As you may have heard, the last number of months have been a bit tough on hedge fund manager Steve Cohen. In November, one of his former employees, Mathew Martoma, was accused of orchestrating "the most lucrative insider trading scheme ever," in a criminal complaint in which Cohen was referenced as Portfolio Manager A. A week later, the Times lopped 21,000 square feet off his house. Earlier this month, he had the pleasure of setting the record for the largest insider trading fine ever, at $614 million, a sum that does not even put this whole thing behind him, as the settlement "doesn't preclude the Securities and Exchange Commission from pursuing Cohen himself in the future." So you'll excuse the Big Guy if he felt the need to indulge in a little retail therapy recently.