Skip to main content

Heady Days Are Here Again At JPMorgan

  • Author:
  • Updated:

Pretty incredible dinner news from the House of JPMorgan today. None of you will be dining by candlelight while gazing into the eyes of five o'clock shadow over here (you wish) but: that heartless cost-cutting initiative from back in May, that decreed Seamless web orders "shall not exceed $20"? Repealed! Oh, that's right my little Dimonettes-- for those of you eating at your desk tonight, feel free to go crazy 'cause your meal allowance has been bumped back up to $25. You should count yourselves really, really lucky regardless, but especially compared to your counterparts elsewhere on the Street, such as Goldman, which we're pretty sure has yet to throw an extra fiver at its employees after this insult last fall, and Citi, where employees who believe themselves too good to eat cat food go hungry.
Update: A Citi dweller takes issue with the above and would like me to pass on the following: "We are still at $25 and despite multiple inflows from the gov never cut back on food. Can we print in color? No. Can we get a cab at a reasonable hour? No. But damn it no cat food for us!"
Update II: Okay, this isn't even funny. Guys, fuck the cat food jokes, they wish they were eating the wet stuff at RBS. The Queen's biatches apparently had their allowance dropped to $8 including tax and tip after the UK gov took an active interest in business. Supposedly there was a recent unofficial announcement that the policy was changing to $20 but so far nothing in writing. Fingers crossed.