Sleep In The Hideous Beach House Fiction Built

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Looking for a last minute party this Labor Day? Look no further. Do it in debatable style in the comfort of a Montauk home that just went on the market. That's right girlfriends, we're talking about Bernie's beach house, which could be yours if you've got between one and seven million dollars to spend. While we agree that the spread isn't the most aesthetically pleasing place money will buy, CNNMoney is working overtime this morning to convince potential buyers that this place is a dump not worth more than a ten-spot and certainly not the millions US Marshals are seeking* (perhaps in an attempt to drive down the price before swooping in and snapping it up themselves).
What are the views like? Nice, the arbiters of taste concede, but that's where the good times end the tacky-ass kitchen begins. The rest of the home is "unremarkable considering its previous occupant's staggering wealth," we're told. "Think Formica countertops and smallish bedrooms." Oh shit, bitches-- was this review written by the size queen du jour? Probably but we've got more backhanded compliments to get to. Does the place give off a relaxed vibe? Yes, but the sort you'd find in a trailer park where one wouldn't be bashful about putting his feet up or tracking shit through the rug. "A visitor probably wouldn't hesitate to walk in with sandy shoes," Les Christie writes. As for the furniture, which the house doesn't even come with (you'll have to provide your own exercise bike for the master bedroom)? "The sectional sofas look built for comfort rather than style, and the rugs don't make any big statements either." Seriously? Or are you just fucking with us, Les? It'd better be the latter 'cause I need the rugs I'm not buying to speak to me! I need them to dance! You dig? It doesn't matter that they'll be long gone by the time I move in-- I'll know they were once there, laying on the floor, like--like rugs or something, making everyone uncomfortable by not saying anything, and it will fuck with my aura, not to mention my flow. Pretty sure I'm not alone here.
Now that I've regained my composure, how 'bout the fact that the home is a mere 150 feet from the beach, a distance federal zoning laws no longer permit-- that's pretty sweet, right? Yeah if you wanna die. It's only because CNN care about you that they say this: "The proximity means...the home faces a big flood risk."


Going to bat for the shack, since no one else will, is US Marshall Roland Ubaldo, putting his interior design degree to good use, and restraining every impulse he has to wrap his hands around Christie's neck. "Every room is situated so that you have a left to right, 180 degree angle of the Atlantic Ocean," said Roland, doing damage control. "It's a panoramic view. You're talking about guest bedrooms, master bedrooms, foyer, you name it, [all of them] have a view of the Atlantic Ocean; it really is breathtaking. There's an understated elegance, I believe, in this whole residence. It's simple, stylish, but it is understated."
Surely at least one of you might agree? Consider the added incentive to make an offer today: if you don't, Sheryl Weinstein has threatened to buy the place and start live streaming weekly key parties.
*Which, you know, will go toward investors that got ripped off.

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