Here's some really awful news sure to shake you to the core. You know that function on your Bloomberg that let's you see how many times your profile has been accessed? Of course you do, you check daily. Everyone does, even the big guys. It might not seem like that big a deal, and of course there are easier venues through which to stalk people, but be honest: you get off on knowing people are looking at you. Watching you. Seeing if you've been referenced in any business articles lately. But those days are over. Some of you probably noticed something awry a few days ago but didn't want to jump to such a horrible conclusion. Fortunately, some banker chickadee, also reeling from the revelation, set out to get proof, and then passed it around to her comrades at work. On the bright side it appears that while the function has indeed been removed, Bloomberg has made its staff available to help you masturbate to your own existence while on the desk, in the event you need a helping hand.
13:27:14 BANKER GIRL : hello
13:27:14 HELP DESK : Thank you for using Bloomberg HELP! We have
received your question, and a live representative will be with you momentarily.
Thank you for your patience.
13:27:16 *** BBERG HELP DESK GUY (BLOOMBERG/ LONDON) has entered
13:27:25 BANKER GIRL : i cant see how many times people look at
my profile anymore
13:27:30 BANKER GIRL : what is up with that
13:27:34 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : HI [redacted],
13:28:09 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : i am afriad that this took up too
much processing power so we removed this functionality
13:28:18 BANKER GIRL : WHAT?
13:28:25 BANKER GIRL : that was the best function on bbg
13:28:56 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : i was rather disappointed with it
[redacted] only got 1 hit per day - that was just me checking
13:29:24 BANKER GIRL : well i got a lot more hits than that because
i have a good profile pic
13:30:46 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : Indeed, so mine isn't any very good.
I suppose your right.
I do not believe we have plans to get this back i am afriad but let me
jsut check for you .
13:31:52 BANKER GIRL : your photo isnt so bad
13:32:58 BANKER GIRL : where is City Gate House?
13:33:49 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : Just by London wall, a bouple of
Blocks from the Bank Of England
13:33:54 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : *couple
13:34:00 BANKER GIRL : oh cool i used to live ther
13:34:13 BANKER GIRL : i lived directly across the thames from
the Globe theater
13:34:27 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : right by the Samel Pepys?
13:34:39 BANKER GIRL : hmm maybe i dont know, very near st pauls
13:35:23 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : yea thats the one - its right next
door, overlooking the river http://www.thesamuelpepys.co.uk/
13:35:47 BANKER GIRL : hmm i dont remember that place
13:35:57 BANKER GIRL : i remember there was a yo sushi and a domino's
13:36:18 BANKER GIRL : do you like yo sushi?
13:37:05 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : big fan... prefer ITsu though..better
13:37:46 BANKER GIRL : yeah yo sushi didnt have like the highest
quality sushi but the conveyor belt thing was cool
13:37:51 BANKER GIRL : they need to get that in nyc
13:38:42 BANKER GIRL : have you ever been to nyc?
13:39:00 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : apparently theres one opening on
43rd and Lex soon..
13:39:23 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : i was supposed to stay last year
but had to work
13:39:29 BANKER GIRL : REALLY?
13:39:31 BANKER GIRL : NO WAY
13:39:36 BANKER GIRL : awesome, i will have to go
13:39:43 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : on thta note
13:39:49 BANKER GIRL : omg you should totally come to nyc, the
bbg building here is SICK
13:39:54 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : iby the way i am afraid that they
are not planing to get back the Hit counter
13:40:00 BANKER GIRL : WHY
13:40:04 BANKER GIRL : everyone loves it
13:40:10 BANKER GIRL : another guy here asking the same question
13:40:20 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : (as is the London BBG building)
13:40:36 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : it is jsut that it took up too much
procesig power i am afraid.
13:40:43 BANKER GIRL : lame
13:40:55 BANKER GIRL : you guys are bbg, you should find a solution
to that problem
13:41:29 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : we will endeavour to do so [redacted].
I will update you if there is any plans to get this turned back on.
13:42:31 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : is there anything else i can do for
you today (bar the hit counter) ?
13:42:44 BANKER GIRL : so then how am i supposed to know how many people check me out each day?
13:42:53 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : so whats your reccord?
13:43:02 BANKER GIRL : 12
13:43:24 BANKER GIRL : although frankly i think that's when everyone
on my ex boyfriends desk checked me out after we broke up
13:45:16 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : my condolences though at leastt you
got the satisfaction of an increase in Hits.
13:47:22 BANKER GIRL : yeah exactly
13:47:38 BANKER GIRL : is there anyway to figure out who specifically
checks your page?
13:47:46 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : i am afriad not
13:47:46 BANKER GIRL : i bet that stalker checks me out every
13:48:56 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : surely facebook would be a better
stalking site though...you can just
13:49:08 BANKER GIRL : nah, i blocked him on fb
13:49:11 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : save a BIO page as an image
then e couldhave it as his desktop
13:49:47 BANKER GIRL : furthermore, he had this guy from his desk
continuously call here asking to speak to him
13:50:19 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : speak to you you mean?...you can
blosk him on Bloomberg with RMSG....night help
13:50:31 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : *might
13:53:22 BANKER GIRL : no ask to speak to him
13:53:30 BANKER GIRL : he could call her and say "Is [redacted] there?
13:53:34 BANKER GIRL : to be funny
13:53:40 BANKER GIRL : the guys on my desk where miffed
13:54:01 BANKER GIRL : so then i sent him a very serious bbg telling
him to leave me alone
13:54:07 BANKER GIRL : hold on i'll send it to you
13:56:28 BANKER GIRL : wiat which [redacted] are you
13:56:38 BANKER GIRL : are you [redacted] or [redacted]
13:56:38 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : the one with [redacted]
13:56:41 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : [redacted]
13:57:02 BANKER GIRL : ok i sent it
13:57:11 BANKER GIRL : i really meant business
13:59:10 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : it appears so - good tuoch with the
"if it happens again the matter will be escalated" - ominous
13:59:15 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : *touch
13:59:16 BANKER GIRL : seriously
13:59:33 BANKER GIRL : well its like two guys harassing a girl
at another bank who the one guy doesn't even know
13:59:40 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : yea..bad form
13:59:49 BANKER GIRL : i would forward you my ex's response but
he has that no forwarding function
14:00:18 BANKER GIRL : he was basically like it's not me its this
14:00:48 BANKER GIRL : go tell him to stop
14:00:51 BANKER GIRL : what a loser, right?
14:01:18 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : not exactly socially aceptable behaviour.
14:01:31 BANKER GIRL : sriously, as i said in the bbg i never
bother him ever
14:03:58 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : if was trying to update my photo
but im now concerned about the consequences......
14:04:13 BANKER GIRL : what do you mean?
14:05:01 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : well if you get stalked for having
your photo, imagine what would happen if i had a good one too....
14:05:34 BANKER GIRL : yeah i was actually thinking about updating
mine to a more recent one that is also good
14:05:41 BANKER GIRL : but maybe i should let that idea go
14:05:59 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : probably not safe....
14:06:10 BANKER GIRL : yeah
14:07:16 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : maybe a downgrade in picture quality
would be a good idea, or one of those black bars they put across faces
of spies in pictures
14:07:36 BANKER GIRL : yikes, i dont think that would go over
14:07:59 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : just an idea.
Anyway on that note [redacted], can i assist you with anything else today at
14:08:08 BANKER GIRL : no i think we are good
14:08:12 BANKER GIRL : was lovely chatting
14:08:17 BANKER GIRL : let's talk again soon!
14:08:38 BBERG HELP DESK GUY : indeed it was, look forward to it,
Thank you for using Bloomberg Help Desk! Have a good day.
14:08:43 BANKER GIRL : you too